sometimes i need reminding, before it gets too late

"they brag a man, has walked his space, but you can't even, find my place"

yeah, right, sure, no problems, cheers, thanks a lot...

so out of three steps i made for myself, i've been cut on two occasions... i have only two feet, but the feet still remain...

sometimes (well quite often actually) i wonder whether i was really meant to be taking the path i am currently on. like i've forced an alternative life path onto which i was actually destined to another direction.

have the spirits and auras of the world been trying to tell me from the start that i wasn't meant to be living where i am today? and thence working in roles that which i have been up to today?

sure i was just starting out in a job that i had no idea, at first, would lead me into the deepest darkest worlds of the underworld/land of the construction industry, which would chew me up and spit me out a few times before it was done with me... but i thought it was the perfect time to sell up and build a new house...

and it's been pretty much rocky ever since.

and it's not that i'm blaming anyone, i don't look for blame at all, i'm more so just taking a few steps backwards to look at the signposts on the journey to this point in time. and all the troubles and hassles i've been through to get here.

the thing that i try to take away from every single piece, is that i did not give up.

as much as i might've felt like giving up, said i was going to give up, give indications of all of the above, my actions proved otherwise.

i'm in a rough spot, but i've been through much worse, and sure enough things won't get any easier any time soon, but be fucked if i'm going to give up, or change my ways.

i shouldn't have to change for anyone, or anything, to fit into the world that i find myself to being the square peg to the world's round hole.

i deserve the best, god knows i've put in everything i have (and a hell of a lot more even still) - and i continue to do so even when odds may be against me, when my brain might be against me and even when my heart might be against me. but i push on, because there is no point in standing in the sidelines of wallowing and wondering how things came undone.

just shrug it off and get on with it as best you can.

you can keep thinking about how things happened, why things happened, how things could be done differently, but at no point is this a free ticket to just sit down and stop your life over it - you have to keep going forwards..

going forwards doesn't mean you have to forget what you've been through (unless you want to forget what you've been through), it just means you've got to continue focussing on what it is your goals are - at that particular time.

yes i am looking for other jobs, i cannot afford to stay where i am, but i am not going to change who i am. i am not a 'yes man' - but that doesn't mean i am always the "no man", it just means i will always ask a question before doing something before i start on that path... as someone who gives 150% of effort, 99% of the time, i want to make sure that i have confidence in giving so much of my effort for a particular thing.

i work hard, i play very little, but i don't want to lose my home, i love where i live, i built the home i loved on a block of land i fell in love with, in a place that i adore - even if all of the above didn't want me to be here. too bad - i'm here now - fucking deal with it.

just give me a break for a change, and give me something to build upon with my skills for a longer term future that i really really want and deserve. and give me the recognition and reward that i fucking well deserve too. because i deserve it - that's why!

i'm so much more than just a slave, i know how to slave for others, i've been doing it for years, but i think i deserve an opportunity to flex my skills a bit more to do something with a bit more meaning. that's all.

and if i'm being unreasonable with my wishes and desires, just tell me what it is that's so unreasonable and i will reassess the list - i'm happy to negotiate and make adjustments, i'm a reasonable person.

just stop fucking me around and let me have a chance on my own two feet without the crutches of other people's money and sympathy.