split personalities and other odd bits...

no i'm not going to the chillout thingo...

i'm just not the sort who goes to these big carnival things... not the gay ones anyway - i've never been interested in them and still not interested in them now...

the only real carnival type thing i try to attend as often as i can is the geelong show - it's a lovely big traditional show, lots of animals, local produce, silly games etc etc

apart from that, i don't really go anywhere or do anything...

i haven't got the money anymore... nor do i really have the drive to go to much other things (or is that 'many'?)

i'll goto the laird a couple of times a year if i'm lucky, don the leathers just to feel like i might be a part of something, to soon realise i'm really not lol

the trouble is, and it's a fight i've had within myself since i was a kid, how is it that i feel that i would like to attend some of these things, but at the same time i really am against going to any of them?

it sometimes feels like a split personality contest and the negative one always seems to win... because the times that i try to let the positive one win me over, i go to the laird on my own or something, or even with someone else, i sit there and don't talk to anyone cause i'm too shy and i'm well versed in the *keep away from me* vibes... so i really just sit and wonder whether there's any point to it? (along with avoiding eye contact with everyone in sight)

so i guess it sends me a bit into a spin because my brain just concentrates so hard on "why are these people going to these events" and "how can they enjoy themselves, it's just ridiculous"

and then it leads to posts on facebook expressing my frustration, wishing i wasn't beaten with the gay stick... but then it makes me wonder whether being straight would've made a difference...?

probably not... i don't dance, that's an asexual activity... i don't really drink that much (also asexual).... i'm generally a shy person (an asexual characteristic)...

i guess the only thing i can say that pinpoints what my problem is (because obviously i see it as a 'problem'), is that i'm an introvert...

i'm a homebody, i like to stay home to sleep, clean, eat, cook, iron, do gardening, mow lawns, do washing etc etc... i like to have people visit and i cook dinner for them - and even still i hide in my own house as it's easier for me if there are 2 or more guests as they can generally hold conversations themselves whilst i potter in the background cooking or cleaning up afterwards......

so when people on these websites and mobile applications try to make contact with me, i generally shut them down quickly anyway cause i know 98% of them just want sex, they don't care about much else...

i've always been a firm believer that the brain is a sexual organ - i've said this to many people i know... basically, if you can work your way to my brain, the body will respond afterwards - a great conversation and getting to know someone is really more of a turn on than just messaging me and saying "lets fuck" off the bat...

i'm 30 now... how much older will i get before i manage to have a bit more of a sustainable social life? will i ever get the sustainable social life i should probably have before i pass on into the next life/world? i don't know...

but is it worth making a big deal about it? or should i just resign myself to not going out anywhere and just taking myself off all these websites and things because 99.9% of people on there will want to meet face to face whereas i'm happy just tapping on a keyboard...

i really don't know... but i do care... i think...

it doesn't make sense to me.....