chookies are picky with their food too...

my brain is sore...

my internal balances feel unbalanced...

at the moment it feels like everyone wants a piece of me

which means i'm feeling like a victim but i don't want to play the victim as everyone just shrugs shoulders at you for trying to seek attention...

so days like today are where my brain does the thought of "it would be nice to have someone to come home to and cuddle" and then a few seconds later i get over it... today it lingered a bit longer than a few seconds... maybe 5 minutes...

but nonetheless, i get to the same conclusion - i think about the trouble it can be having a relationship, the inability to make decisions for myself without having to feel like i have to consult against someone else for permission...

maybe that's why blowup dolls were invented.... just a temporary stand in when someone is required to 'be there' and then pack them up and send them away for the rest of the time...

i suppose that's why i have teddy in bed and my cheer squad on the couch in the loungeroom... and my girls out the back...

poor tails is losing her bum feathers again - it looks like there's been an attack in the chook yard but it's just her bum malting a shitload of feathers, poor thing...

and then throwing them some feed - first the layer pellets, as usual black goes running after the pellets before they even hit the ground which means she gets covered in them as well..... then she goes looking around, doesn't see any sunflower seeds (from the free range mix), and then she turns around and looks at me with the container in my hand and grumbles at me, as if to say "i know you've still got the good stuff in there, just throw it to me already!"

so i do, and again she bolts to chase the food before it hits the ground, and again she is covered in it for a few moments... goes for all the sunflower seeds she can find before tails gets in there, and that's it... the rest of it will sit there until they get bored lol

well i told her "if you're gonna be like that with food then i'll stop feeding you!"

if it's the same stuff on the ground tomorrow after work, i'll do just that, she always learns quickly and eats up for the next day's treats lol

got some more tomatoes off the bushes, so might chop the ones i have at the moment and make a little salad up...

and going to try a batch of the mince that robyn gave me last week, make a bolognaise type thing - been a few years since i've made it.....

no i'm probably not going to be at hibearnation...

i'm still not sure why people online need to have instantaneous person to person contact...

i remember the good old days of chat rooms and online thingos where people were just happy to talk to you online for a while, emails, instant messengers (old icq and original msn messenger)...

but it appears in the age of mobile phone 'apps', it seems to have changed things to a 'hit or miss' approach

in my case, there's a lot in the 'miss' column as i rarely meet someone soon after chatting to them online...

this morning i had someone contact me on facebook commenting how i was 'their type' and very much what they 'were looking for'... as soon as they tried to make a date (after 2 messages from their end, mind you), they just assumed that we would never catch up because i wasn't going to be at some bear event that he was coming overseas to attend..... so the conversation fell flat on it's ass even after i attempted to continue some sort of conversation...

meanwhile - i looked at the only picture available on his facebook profile and thought "gee, you're so my type - i love the look of a foggy lens with a partially visible bearded face who is neck high in pool water... i can see so much of you...."

it makes me feel that the online world has turned a lot more fickle and boring than it once was many years ago when i started talking to people..... for one thing, i don't consider facebook to be a dating website.....

i guess it adds to the whole 'fast paced world' bullshit that we live in these days...

the one where you have people who would build a house beyond their means from the get-go and buy an instant landscape to make it artificially 'perfect' for them...

i worked up to get the house i am in (which is currently beyond my means, but wasn't from the start), and i am yet to finish landscaping my place, cause i understand whilst i'd like it to look established, it takes time and money to get to the end result...

unfortunately i think this is my downfall when it comes to having valuations from the bank's lending perspectives.... it just looks unfinished, but it doesn't look horrible, and i certainly wouldn't have expected it to detract from a valuation point of view so much...

bin night tonight, i better go put the bin out before it's dark so there's less of a worry of touching webs and potential spiders that might be living in them...

grass looks good after mowing last night, and considering there was a decent drop of rain late last night, and some showers on and off today, i think i picked the best time to chop it back...

that'll do...

the mows have been lawned for the last time this summer.....

busy day today

had the info session for the trainee train driver job this morning, very interesting stuff... amazed how many chicks were in the session compared to blokes...

did the aptitude test again, think i did alright again, but it was just a validation exercise, so long as results are comparable, they proceed on the basis of your first results, so that was nice to hear...

fingers crossed i can make it through to the next round...

the base starting wage pays more than what i earn at the moment, so that's great news (if i score a position)...

got to catch up with darren and bruce afterwards, had a late lunch in port melbourne, lovely food at a takeaway shop that a great little old asian lady runs - she knows the boys quite well now so she was having a good giggle and play whilst serving bruce hehehe

then a gorgeous sparkie tradie walked past us and went to nando's next door, so we hung around for a while after we had finished eating just to wait for him to come back past us for another perve lol at one stage bruce did a 'walk' up to the corner street and back just to check he was still in nando's lol

they dropped me back at the station and i had a nice rest on the train ride home...

as we flew past my backyard, i saw gav next door mowing the lawn... so i thought to myself "well, the weather certainly is pretty good today.... so if the bear's mowing the lawn, a cub has to follow suit"

so i got out and used the last of the petrol in the tin to do the last mowing of the summer season...

all looks very neat and tidy now, and the chookies have some new grass clippings to scratch and dig through for a while to keep themselves entertained....

so now i'm a bit stuffed from all that mowing, but glad i did it today instead of tomorrow.....

got a bundle of washing to do so i'll concentrate on that tomorrow as it should be warm enough to dry everything same day, and then i'll have a nice bundle of ironing to work on afterwards.....

meanwhile, i started to wonder whether one of the kids who lives in the house (of people i don't like) across the road was trying to perve on me whilst i was mowing - that was a bit of a concern..... but i'm sure i was just reading into it, he must just enjoy the sights and sounds of a lawn mower..... who knows.....

stranger things have happened...... most often in my dreams these days! lol

continue looking ahead and upwards...

to lust, or not to lust? is that even a valid question?

started talking to a bloke in america this afternoon... swapped phone numbers to chat on the whatsapp thingy dooby... and then he rings me up! quite a few times actually!

not complaining, just surprised someone overseas would be so willing to ring up and talk to someone in australia

of course the lust factor is there, into most of the same things sexually, but he also has an interesting life story - well the bits he's told me anyway :-)

sorta reminds me a bit of ballarat paul and the fascinating stories he tells me - he's such an interesting guy, i love the stories he tells.

so i think i've made a good new friend today which is nice! new friends are always welcome, as long as they intend on staying friendly and not trying to abuse my friendship in any way, shape or form - but i imagine that would be difficult to do from another country!

sorted out all my paperworks in the computer room this morning, at last.... i can see a clean black desk once again, and all my receipts and bank statements are reconciled again and all the receipts are ready to make up the next start of the wood fire.....

i really should look at getting my flue cleaned out to make sure there aren't any more sparrow nests in there blocking it up..... more money i haven't got lol

so tomorrow is an important day, trip to the city and another aptitude test to complete... i hope i can keep it together enough to get through to the next stage of the process.... it would be really good for me to get a job like this one - bit more longer term/career based path than what i'm on at the moment.... and hopefully a decent packet so i can (finally) look after myself financially again..... and others as required

i've always been like that, if i haven't had much money, i'd hold off asking anyone for help for as long as i possibly could, but then at the other end of the scale, if i had money to spare, 95% of the time i'd spend it on friends to help them out, even if they didn't ask for it....

i'm always the person who enjoys giving things to others more so than receiving, just seeing the look on their faces when i give presents or surprises for birthdays, christmas etc etc or for no reason at all - the classic "i saw this and i thought of you" present...

things at work, meanwhile, i think will be ok for the time being... just need to talk things out with some people and then i think it will be all ok... nothing i hate more than causing trouble...

and those little wanker kids didn't make an appearance in my front yard this afternoon THANK GOD so i can hopefully not worry that they're going to cause me anymore grief......

can i have my new mobile now please?

the clouds are dark and grey, but behind them is always sunshine

the current generation of kids that are growing up are going to be a big pack of wankers

they certainly are at the moment...

i would never even dream of driving up stranger's driveways with other similarly stupid minded friends with complete disregard for other people's property and openly laugh off anything i say to them.... smart asses.... i've got a big truck and i'm not afraid to use it lol it's much bigger than them on their pissy little bikes

i'm really quite angry at the moment... not as angry as i was earlier, but still angry

right, called the coppers on those little pricks, they've ridden off again but hopefully the copper finds them and ruffles them up to scare em off... and if not, i'll door knock a few places around the corner cause my neighbour knows they live on the next street, and there's only half a dozen houses at most to check out...

grrrrrr, why won't people leave me in peace, i haven't done anything wrong or made attempts to provoke anyone... has society just swallowed a whole heap of 'let's annoy good people' pills?

i've never gone out of my way to make life difficult for anyone (except for myself at times) so how do i keep copping it?

i must've been a real bastard in a previous life, or some such!

i'm at home for a few days so i can hopefully just do what cubs do best and hibernate for a while and come out when everything blows over...

but feel free to send donations of supplies, i'll come out to collect those ;-) hehehe

it was very sad to hear of Nereid's passing this morning, she was such a gentle soul... was always a giggle to almost share the same birthday, missed each other by about a week and a bit! but adopted her as my equine twin anyway lol

so many stories jon told me about her and the things they used to do together - horses are amazing and beautiful creations

i hope bailey and batbygobstopl aren't too stressed and upset by her departure today... poor boys, they're on their own now along with the 3 woofers...

i pre-ordered the new samsung galaxy s5 today... i understand it may be a big wank over not much new features from the s4, but i only have an s2 and i'm sick of it turning off and restarting in my hands or in my pocket (at any given time really), and sick of the swype dictionary disappearing after a few weeks of resetting the whole phone.... so it'll cost a bit extra per month on my bill, but i don't care, i'll have a newer more reliable phone to go overseas with (it should arrive about a week before leaving, with some luck...)

6 months until i turn 31... let's see what i can make of the next half a year of life...

and daddy bear dean from tassie called to make sure i was ok, and to remind me he's always thinking of me - that's really made me feel warm and fuzzy inside... haven't spoken to him on the phone since just after visiting him in august 2012 whilst i was out of work... we send messages online and text messages every once in a while, but hearing his voice made me feel really really good :-)

so the kids are not out front shouting anymore, and i got to talk to a special bloke... the evening starts off well... *fingers crossed*

oh and i got an egg, 2 strawberries and another tomato from the garden today - and a bug eaten tomato for the girls to peck at and get the goodies from inside.....

rain, rain, don't go away...

it's raining tonight thankfully...

nice to sit on the couch and listen to the rain to help me calm down a bit...

i don't like going physically crazy...

can't believe i got a bill from the plumber for the little amount of work he did the other day... oh well...

one of the girls at work gave me some meat today cause she had excess and i was talking about how rarely i go grocery shopping these days, so that was very kind of her - haven't had mince meat in yonks and i also now have some stewing steaks to slow cook with...

mmm slow cooker beef stroganoff - love it when it all turns to mush and the meat is just melting to nothing and the mushrooms have soaked up the flavours.....

i must do that on the weekend if i can manage it...

looking forward to saturday, fingers crossed it leads to something more and longer term for my future - i really need that right now...

i'm thinking that maybe these alternative nasal patches aren't as good... feeling a bit more tired than i have been recently, but that could just be because i didn't eat anything until dinner tonight.....

reset the do not call register thing to make sure my numbers were registered.....

paid telstra bill and the plumber bill...

really enjoying the food safari shows on dvd, good fun to watch and lots of interesting things to take note of for future reference in the kitchen.....

still can't get over the wasp in my bathroom this morning, that was a real shock, thank god i wasn't in the shower otherwise that would have been worse... just have to get rid of the body and clean up the puddle of fly spray on the ground where it landed.... should do that before i goto bed

"it don't hurt like it did, i can sing my song again"

"it don't hurt like it did, it hurts worse, who do i kid?"

it's not the way that you planned

my head's a bit of a muddle and puzzle this afternoon

i really can't make sense of things at the moment so i really can't find the words to be able to put it into sentences either

i think i'll just stay quiet for a while

construction industry - land of the underworld...

wow - maeve o'meara has the best job in the world.... just watching all the food she gets to learn about and eat...

*presses stop*

do a blog first, then watch the turkish episode...

far out i had some mad dreams last night/this morning... really crazy and weird, all sorts of combinations of places and people

like one scene where i'm in a bunnings store, in an aisle full of doors, with vin commenting about why the top rack of stock doors are a mess, as i'm walking along to jump into a car being driven by sharon (who i used to work with at data entry) who is on her way to work and parking in some new building, and her daughter comes in to park next to us as well.....

and then soon after that - there was me, waving at the 'camera' of my dream shouting out "hey, you can stop all this shit if you wake up right now!!" - and then my brain started to wake up and realise it was some sort of instruction from myself in my dream.... and then i opened my eyes.... then i closed them again thinking i could go back to sleep 10 seconds later, but i was still there waving at the camera telling myself to wake up... so i had to get up out of bed, go for a walk (admire the beautiful dark foggy morning) and have a drink...

my nasal patch was still attached thankfully at that stage (would've been about 7.30am i think), so i took it off and went back to bed to rest for a while longer.... until about 9.45am anyway :-)

this afternoon i went to check the mailbox and got a large a4 package from the administrators of alutech - the second incarnation...

a stapled booklet of about 40 pages about the next meeting of the liquidators and creditors to try and get some more remuneration for the works the administrators have completed in the last 12 months...

it was a bit depressing to read through it all... and even more depressing of a reminder of the money i'll never see as i did work under my abn, so i wasn't an employee this time...

jay's a c&nt... he really didn't do anything different the second time he did this business... was still a prick, still abusive, violent to most people, involved others on the outside, and did everything he could to put the fear of his own self into each and every person, cause he thought that would be the best way to motivate people - i.e. do the right thing, or i'll kill you...

i was only there a couple of weeks before i decided to throw in the towel the second time, and it cost me 720 bucks... ah well...

the world of construction in victoria is led by mafia and bikie gangs, and that i can tell anyone for an absolute fact, having been caught in the middle of it a few times...

from small businesses completing jobs on worksites, the unions, right up to the construction companies employing the contractors/businesses to do the work on the site.... they are all (well 95%) full of some sort of corruption and involvements of the underworld...

it's through these jobs that i worked, that i learned job security is no longer possible... as long as there is someone bigger than someone else, someone is always going to get screwed to the wall, and it doesn't matter what governments do, or who is in power, construction is about the money and power of those in the business.

i like to forget about the money i have lost in recent years from these places, because it will only remind me about how much of a better position i might have been in today - but that's hindsight, and there's no point in persuing that train of thought...

all in all, it's been a nice day at home, nice cold weather, beautiful fog, tidied the house a bit and changed bedsheets... made some nice food and ate lots.... listened to some vinyls and cds as well...

back to work tomorrow....

and as yet i haven't heard back from my builder about replacing my hinge doors...

push on, push on.....

oh and push play for turkish food now :-)

do you believe in ghosts?

*taps fingers on the edge of the laptop*

i went to the steakhouse for dinner tonight - haven't been for a while... stuck to affordable options so i didn't spend so much, alex and jon had some birthday vouchers to use so they just pooled their vouchers and we split the balance of the bill, so for about 24 bucks, it was a decent feed :-)

did a lap of the supermarket afterwards with jon... researched for an international sim card for my travels abroad so i can still keep contact with facebook to upload photos and check in at some random foreign places lol and so i can keep up with my blog...

the blog will be my saviour i think - reintroducing myself to oodles of family i barely know (if i know them at all!) will be a test for me and my medication, see how well i can cope with large numbers of people i am meant to be related to, and whether i'll stand up to the challenge or just crumble like in other social situations lol

if i crumble, that's when i'll find a quiet space on my own and do some tapping on the mobile into the blog thingy as my escape mechanism hehehehe

when i was at melton paul's place on friday, we did some searches on some of the chat mobile app thingo's to see what sort of quality of men and bears were advertising themselves around the areas i might be located whilst away - had a good giggle at some of them, and a good practise at translating portguese to english in my head lol

but that's not what this trip is about and i won't be doing any of those sorts of shenanigans whilst away on a ticket paid by the dept of parentals lol

if i do get some time alone to do something, i really want to go back to sintra and explore the palace and forest gardens, with caves/tunnels, old well's that you can walk up and down via a staircase in the walls of it, lagoons covered in mossy grass so it doesn't even look like there is any water.... and old stone chapels and rooms perched here and there... it's just a beautiful place to get lost inside for a day trip, beautiful scenery, lots of photos to take... and a good bit of exercise... and the dodgy pizza hut at the train station LOL

so day off tomorrow... be nice if it was cold so i could enjoy myself indoors and snuggle up on the couch for the day...

meanwhile i've been taking off my nasal patches during the night again - but this time, it's happening without even realising it! to the point where last night i felt like i slept right through the night without waking up once, and i turn on the light to find that my nasal patch has been removed, folded in half and placed in front of my alarm clock.............. very interesting..... maybe it's teddy.... or black.... or tails.... or all three.... maybe it's the cheer squad on the couch in the lounge room.......

or, it could just be a ghost...

strange as it sounds though, believing in ghosts and spirits etc, i think there's 'something' or 'someone' in the men's locker rooms at work... whenever i'm drying my hands under the hand dryer, there quite often will be a dark shadow of something out the corner of my right eye like there's something behind me, but when i look, it disappears.....

makes me wonder what was on the site before my workplace was constructed...

one of my good friend's built a house with his ex some years ago, and he said there was a particular spot on the slab that felt 'cooler' than the rest, even on a hot day... and after the house was finished, it was still a bit cooler in that same spot, and saw a girl at times as well - so something must've happened for that girl to still be there and creating the cold spot.....

dunno... it's weird...

i remember in the last few months whilst at my old place in wyndham vale, i had to close all the curtains in my house because i always sensed there was something outside at night looking in...

there was something in that house for sure, given the sorts of dreams/nightmares jon and i had in there over the years..... i had april come around once and we did a cleansing spell to try and release whatever spirits were stuck there... i think it worked, but they must've known i was selling and moving out in those last few months and were waiting for me to clear out so they could move back into the space after i left....

the world is an odd place..... makes it a bit more interesting i suppose.....

cooking with memories.....

i'm watching the food safari dvds now from what ballarat paul loaned me

the intro music and 'singing' sounds like how i sing coldplay at work LOL maybe the lyrics were written by those morons lol

good day at work today, pretty busy, and lots of doors and door bits sold which was good..... i suppose it'll make me look good but i always remind others that you can't actively sell doors - it's too much of a niche market and it's something that sells itself... i'm just there to educate customers on the rules of doors and to remind them of measurements being important...

had a lovely old lady come and ask for a solid door, she'd been broken into a couple of times and i could see her body just shivering from nervousness... poor thing... nothing worse than being broken into...

happened once in oak flats... so we shifted the computer to alex's room without internet access for a couple weeks until dad constructed security bars for the windows around the rumpus room out the back...

and i always remember when going online for the first time afterwards, the mailing list i was subscribed to for the corrs, it sent individual emails for each person that was sending something to the list.... i think i got about 624 emails after 2 weeks.... took quite a few days to sift through them all lol

train trip was nice today - once again it really helped to shorten my work day by being able to relax in the morning on way to work and snooze a bit, and vice versa on return trip home again...

meanwhile the weather is beautiful and cool now... can't wait for the middle of winter... beautiful cold days, frosty icy nights sitting by the fire... snuggled in warm clothes and a blanket whilst watching something funny...

so i tried making one of the 'marion' asian food meal pack thingo whatsit's tonight for dinner - singapore noodles.... i really like singapore noodles....

i don't like marion's singapore noodles lol

it was really quite a let down, and i ended up turfing it in the bin...

i cannot remember the last time i even threw out a meal i cooked from tasting so bad... not that it tasted bad, but just wasn't what i expected at all and very bland and not flavoursome like some dishes of the same thing i've had at asian restaurants.....

actually i do remember the last time i threw something in the bin, on a technicality really lol

it was in seddon, soon after i booted the fat man and i stopped having to get the police involved lol, i was making my favourite gnocci dish with a cream sauce with bacon and mushrooms.... i got to the stage where everything (except gnocci) was in the fry pan and about to start simmering.... i picked up the tupperware grinder i had full of rock salt (which i had recently filled up with rock salt).... i started to turn the container to grind salt into the pan.... and SPLAT! the bloody container opened up and all the bloody salt fell into the pan!!!!!!!!!! i was so annoyed lol

so it went straight into the bin, i mean, i love salt, but not that much!

that was around the time i was putting chilli in everything i possibly could..... and around the time i had a shower after dinner with a few vodkas and i fell down and bruised my ribs big time from slipping over (shower over bath setup... never trust those things again.....)....

.......

thank god i didn't live there for that long lol

i started to sing because i thought i would get in trouble if i didn't...

i figured after about 26 years i might as well put it in print

i've told many people the story but i'm sure there are others who haven't heard it or didn't know the skill i had learned from a young age...

basically, i learned to sing out of fear...

i was in kindergarten at school, so it would have been 1989....

i remember on the little timetable thing on the door to the classroom, one afternoon, there was this word - choir

i was looking at it wondering what the hell "chore" (as i had thought it was pronounced at the time) actually was...

there was this fuss going on around me, kids left, right and centre, all bustling around - some going into the classroom, others walking down the couple of steps to the quadrangle as they walked up to the school hall.

then, towering over me, was my teacher - mrs fischer - and she was asking me "are you in the choir, allan?" and i sorta froze a bit cause i thought to myself 'what the hell is quire?' not realising at the time that 'quire' was actually the 'choir/chore' word on the door...

she repeated herself a couple of times asking if i was in the choir, by this stage almost sounding a bit frustrated cause i didn't answer, only cause i had no idea what the hell choir was.....

so out of fear of getting into trouble, i said "yes i am" and was thence shuffled off to join the other kids walking up to the school hall...

still wondering what the fuss was about and what i was about to encounter, i continued up to the hall and they were sorting out groups of kids for something, for all i knew it was to ship us off on the next rocket to mars to start a new martian race!

then i found out, we were there to sing - well i knew what singing was, but what the heck did 'chore' have to do with it?!

singing has been very therapeutic for me.

it relieves stress and tension, but at the other end of the scale it also elevates, uplifts and gives a feeling of celebration of the fact that life exists within one's self...

which then ties in with my passion for the music i love and how different sorts of music changes how i feel, act and emote...

some songs make me feel like i want to dance (like tonight's boppy rendition of 'free fallin' (zoe badwe) in the truck on way home from melton)

other songs make me feel very sad, even cry (like 'dance (while the music still goes on)' (abba) and 'all the good in this life' (garbage) )

then there are songs that unearth what i believe to be one of my personalities that i work hard to ensure doesn't come out in a physical way - songs that make me feel evil, dark, sinister, potentially angry (such as 'what it feels like for a girl (above and beyond's 12" club mix)' (madonna) which is almost 9 minutes of darkness, but somewhat a pleasureable darkness) - generally many dance/trance songs give me the feeling of evil darkness.....

and then back on the other end of the spectrum, there are dance/trance songs that make me feel more alive than anything in this world...

at the end of the day, music and singing is what makes up a large part of my persona... i have many songs for many different occasions and many different historical values

some songs, those i may have enjoyed listening to, i have had to delete from my memory as the thoughts it brings up are far too disturbing or painful - it took about 5 years before i could listen to 'colour my life' (m people) again after breaking up with a fat person.... i put the first line of that song as an inscription inside a ring for that fat person.... hence after breaking it off for very difficult reasons (and was a very incredibly difficult process), i couldn't listen to the beautiful words that mike pickering wrote as the first song he would release for m people

colour my life is a true love song, descriptions so real and easily able to relate to that it just rolls off the tongue just as easy it is to swing your hips to the tune of the rhythm and blues backdropping it

i love my music, and without it, i would be a completely different person altogether

whilst i might be single and living alone, i am always in good company from the tapes, vinyls and cds in my home

it is something i have always thought - that when i pass on into the next life, i want to be buried with all the music i have, so it comforts me during my rest

thank you for the music, for giving it to me

i am truly grateful for it

thursday....

i didn't do the alphabet game this afternoon...

washing is done and the toilets are clean

just about to start watching the a380 accident show on channel 7 about the qantas plane that had a busted engine and buggered landing gear - i didn't even know it happened until there was a book that got released about it last year lol

so even though i'm about to fly on a few of them in just over a month's time, you'd think i'd be a bit worried about watching it but i've always wanted to fly on them so i'd rather know what potential problem might occur at this stage...

at least for them to be able to tell the story and explain how they were able to land safely is a bit more comforting cause it provides confidence in knowing pilots are able to do things safely in emergency situations...

never mind the mh370 drama that is still ongoing lol

and there's footy on..... geelong vs adelaide... wonder who's winning...

about ten minutes until 3/4 time and geelong up by 13 points...

plumber tomorrow... hopefully he can fix the toilet problem in the ensuite so the water pump on the water tank stops kicking in every 5 minutes or so...

have to sort out my external hinge doors too, i don't reckon all the edges are painted so i have to get a mirror or something to check it out and then send an email to the builder to get it sorted out and push back on them if they try and say it's not their problem..... unpainted edges on external doors voids the warranty on the door cause it hasn't been treated properly...

just another thing to add to the list of the bumpy historicals of my home up here...

so a day off work tomorrow and then working the weekend... i don't think there's any trackworks this weekend so i can catch the train saturday thankfully :-)

if it rains, i'll use an umbrella... that's what they are for i guess lol

from a to z in 30 minutes

relaxing on the couch watching the two fat ladies dvds that ballarat paul lent to me... had them and the food safari dvds of his for ages so i best watch them all and give them back

he's a good guy, try to help each other out when we can...

i did my alphabet mind game on the way home and finally got through the whole lot - finding a 'Z' on the way up the hill into ballan....

got email confirmation of the info session for the driving position, this afternoon... it says i have to do the aptitude thing again on the day itself... hope i can go just as well as i did the first time round!!

so i put one of the pics of me smokin a cigar on my recon profile as my main picture just for a change... tired of the other pictures i have on there, and other sites...

should go through the rest of the photos jake and i took from the weekend - sort them all out and figure out what to post and what to delete and what to retain as private.....

i'm glad that i'm still feeling like i'm managing daily life and it's related struggles with the reduced dosage of medication....

sometimes i feel parts of the original allan sneaking in.... mainly my quietness, keeping to myself and not saying anything....

so long as i keep reminding myself of all the things i have learnt whilst being on the medication at higher levels, then i should be ok when i eventually come off them completely.....

meanwhile - i have to chase up to make sure my phone is still on the do not call register cause i've started getting a bundle of telecrapiter calls in recent weeks....

paid my racv roadside assistance membership this morning after my extra income turned up from working the public holiday last week... hopefully no more bills arrive for a while - the big ones anyway..... i'd like to concentrate on reducing the credit card in the lead up to going to portugal.....

hmmm not much else really.....

oink!

good evening...

council finally rang me back this afternoon about changing my street name... he's said it's been a high priority for them to change it since october..... and their reason for changing it is in relation to emergency services.... that's a great priority system they've got going on right there! and they expect hopefully in the next couple of months that they can start making moves towards changing it...

meanwhile, i had a call from a prospective place of employment.... i'm through to another stage of the process including an information day around the end of the month... see if i can't make my mark to stand out of a crowd and secure a career with better pay and prospects than what i have right now...

i will not lose my home and refuse to let it get that far...

felt a bit more alive today compared to yesterday, not so 'la di da' and even remembered to clock on this morning lol

pay day tonight, so i can sink some more $$$'s into endless bills...

and i spread around sharon's business cards at work in the lunch room today so hopefully that brings her some more new customers at some point soon :-)

jake got home safely, but needs new brakes, so hopefully that's all he will need to worry about for a little while longer with his vehicle...

*dingdingdingdingdingding* there go the level crossing bells again as the next train to the city flies past my window...

might go for a wander outside and check if the girls have popped another egg for me... have to build up the dozen that i owe amanda...

and there might finally (fingers crossed!) be some tomatoes that have ripened up so i don't have to buy any more for a while!

i should really check on that mandarine tree i put in the ground on the weekend too, make sure it's enjoying it's new location and give it another drink...

winter is coming and i'm getting a bit excited by it

always reminds me of "only happy when it rains" by garbage.... i have always sorta been able to use that song as one of the ways to describe my personality.... dark.... cold.... cool...

quack!

off into la la land......

i was quite off the game today... forgetful and just not with it....

• i forgot to clock in at work
• felt like i hadn't done an 8am-4.30pm shift in weeks
• was a bit off with the fairies in my brain
• started to feel a bit uneasy when talking with a workmate about other rumours i've been hearing, and about what prospective futures we most likely wouldn't have...
• general tiredness...

i'm just putting it down to the fact that it's been a week since the latest reduction in meds and my body is now starting to catch up a bit.... like the drug addict inside me went "hey mannnn........ yo ain't takin enuff of those pills no mo..... what's the go mannnnn??"

well it sounded a bit funnier in my head anyway LOL

the positives i can take away from the day

• i'm not the only one feeling on the outer with future prospects in current positions
• i got through the day at work
• scored a great second hand log splitter at a great cheap price (so i can relegate axe chopping of wood for general stress relief hehehe)
• had a great takeaway dinner with jake
• jake's car got fixed so he can get back home in time to go back to work on wednesday
• i still love to laugh at things that i have watched/seen many many many times over the last couple of decades

and most importantly, i really love and want to buy a philips air fryer :-)

meanwhile, it's about 4 weeks until i goto portugal... that's going to be an interesting trip, having not seen that side of the family for about 10 years.... many quizzitorial faces and people who will want to know the latest in my life in the last ten years....

those who aren't on my facebook will no doubt ask the usual "how come you haven't got a girlfriend" and "why aren't you married yet?"

all part of the fun i guess hehehehe

my body is aching a bit from all the wii games jake and i played yesterday, jumping around the room, tennis, bowling, sword fights, frisbee golf etc etc..... i was thinking of using the wii sports games as a method of me getting fit again..... i'll get back into it at some stage i'm sure lol

i better goto bed, i'm knackered!

what leather means to me.... a brief overview...

someone at work asked me this week "so what's with the leather thing? i don't understand it"

spent a couple of hours with jake this afternoon playing dressups and taking photos for our respective online profile thingo's...

so what's with the leather thing?

it's all subjective really.

it's like if i were to ask someone who owned 50 cats, "what's with the cat thing?"

some people love cats more so than others... i for one, don't love cats at all - not to say i hate them, but it's not an animal of my choice - i'm a feathers man, i love my chickens and love native birds...

but that's another blog, and i've probably already bloggered about them....

for me, leather and/or the leather culture is like a way of life.

it's not just about how someone might look dressed up in it. although that really does make for interesting viewing. *wink*

it's about the look... the feel of the material on one's skin (whether it be on my own skin or someone else's skin).... about pride of self respect and respect for others in the community, and about the respect it can command from others within or outside the community...

it's also about being comfortable with it.

for me, wearing leather has grown to become almost a second skin to me... i don't wear it all that often, nor do i head out wearing the stuff often either (probably less often than wearing it just at home)...

some people just like to wear it and they use it like an alternative form of 'drag'

the discussion i have had with some others in the community (not that i'm a big part of it nor do i know many in the community... i guess i'm using the term 'community' in as loose a sense as a pair of shoe laces still in their packet before being strung onto some shoes/boots lol), in relation to the different levels of attraction to leather, and the differentiation of those who use it as drag, and those who prefer to live the fabric, are when those who don the clothing to try and score a mate and then take all their 'drag' off before hitting the sack... those who live the fabric tend to retain the clothing whilst the activities in the sack are happening...

i am in the latter category... along with my firm belief of the brain being the biggest of sexual organs, the wearing of leather can enhance the experience and sometimes can assist in pushing the boundaries of one's tastes and limits...

it sorta reminds me of a looney tunes cartoon with bugs bunny and elmer fudd.... they are doing the usual chasing game when a removalist truck drives across a bumpy bridge and out falls a box full of hats onto the river bank below near the troublesome two with hats flying around everywhere...

during the course of the show, a different hat would fall onto each of the respective characters and their demeanour and personality changed according to the type of hat/head dress they wore (added head dress after remembering there was a wig from a judge that appeared at one stage... and i can't remember the official term for the wig, but it's certainly not a hat lol)

for me, when i wear leather, it's not so much that i become a different person (cause i sorta do), but it's more so i can live and experience a different part of my personality that doesn't often get an opportunity to come out in the open.....

i suppose it comes down to the theory i have that most people have split personalities... i'm sure i do...

well that's what leather means to me, on a shoe string budget of explanatories lol

and yes i did go there with some sexual references....

but hey - you asked the question! :-)

moving on from the story of seeing you next tuesday's

what lovely storms we've had here today!

*crash* *bang* *crack* *boom* !!!!! who knew daylight could get even brighter with the addition of lightning?!

jake's car still wouldn't start this morning, had an racv dude come take a look and it seems his starter motor is stuffed! so he's spending his holiday here instead of with a mate over in warburton!

so a blackout from the lightning storm certainly makes it interesting lol

his car will be collected first thing monday morning for repairs... fingers crossed not too expensive!

so i guess i sorta have a housemate again for the weekend lol

went to sharon's shop... put $5 deposit on a beautiful mirror.... lovely big timber frame surround.... small bevelled edges on the glass... she's a good saleswoman lol

andrew came up to visit for the afternoon, and watch the storm roll in with us... was great to catch up, find out what each other has been up to... i'm really happy for him that he's taken control of his life and knows what direction he wants to take himself to. i'm very proud. :-) and he's looking really well too... so that's good too!

dropped him at deryck's place after 7pm... deryck was out the front putting rubbish in the bin... sorta gave me a half filthy look but avoided looking at me... considering everything that's happened, it really didn't twang anything in my mind at all... knowing that he doesn't hang out with bailey anymore either is also something that pleases me...

i think it makes me feel like i'm back in a position where i was before i met bailey initially, thinking at the time that i was on my way to recovery - which i now am, with reduction in medication etc... and not giving a toss much about other people that don't matter to me...

i'll always remember the hurt that those two caused me, and how low i got and how much trouble i felt i was in mentally, but i don't react to it like i used to... and considering how much less medication i take these days compared to back then, i'm very proud to be feeling the way i am today.

free of the pain. the mental pain they caused me... the mental pain i caused for myself... the physical pain i caused for myself at times... the anger and frustration i felt towards them.... how much pain i wanted to inflict on them...

i guess it means i'm at peace with that part of my life and the size of the book of that story no longer occupies as much space on the bookshelf in my mind

once again i thank my brain for the "see you next tuesday's story", i close the book, place it back on the shelf, and move on from it (for hopefully one of, if not the, last times)

and smile - it's a beautiful cold night and wintery day tomorrow!! :-)

food from my heart xxx

money is an annoyance for me...

gee haven't i crappered on enough about it?!

(put it on a leaf, send it down the stream)

(that's the money story, thanks brain, shut the book, put it back in the shelf)

people at work quite enjoyed the butter biscuits i made on wednesday - i guess they were alright then even though i thought they could have been done better...

but much like the saying that you are your worst critic - i am very much that in relation to my cooking...

starting to think of my repertoire of cookery, and i think there's a fair bit of things i can make... it really doesn't matter where the recipe comes from, if you're the one making it, then that's all that matters...

one of the nicest comments i heard about the biscuits today was from tim in the lunch room, he said that in cooking he can usually taste the love that goes into some foods - he could taste the love in my biscuits...

i guess that's one of the things i'm glad i inherited from mum - my love for cooking and food in general... i have often in the past given food as presents for people's birthdays or at christmas time, because it really is something i believe is special and from my heart...

i gave my neighbour a whole lasagne for her birthday once...

i gave a batch of portuguese tarts to my best friend's sister and her family as a christmas present (all approx 60 of them)

i made a big fried rice as a gift for the family who invited me to visit on christmas day last year...

i have made banana cake in the past, cut it into quarters, and given to my good friends when catching up at a pub a couple years ago, just for the fact that i wanted to make cake for them

i guess growing up in a european household, it means that i am of a firm believer that the kitchen really is the heart of the home... it's one of the reasons i love my home is because the kitchen is the centre of the home, it's close to my bedroom, and i can cook directly in front of guests in the dining room or lounge room with the open plan...

so if ever someone comes over for dinner and i cook for them, it's really an opportunity to show how much i appreciate them by way of feeding them :-)

i love food just as much as i love giving food to others - just as much as i love giving gifts to friends and family...

one month on...

so it's been a month since i started this blog...

well, it was started on 13th february - it's not my fault february is a short month lol

what have i learned so far?

• i'm loving everyday's entry to see what my mind comes out with
• i'm loving the reactions and responses i'm receiving by sharing it with anyone who's bothered to read it
• i have a lot on my mind
• i quite enjoy expressing my thoughts in written form - i think that's related to my ability to converse with people a lot more online than in person - 14 years of internet chatting has been the training for that lol
• it's been a great outlet for any frustrations i may have had, or still may have, which in turn assists me with better night's of sleep
• i'm giving others a chance/opportunity to learn about me and how my train of thoughts operate
• it's given me something to look forward to every day - and still does
• and most of all - it's giving me the ability to enjoy my life a whole lot more in a completely different way

being able to put out these daily blogs is really a therapy in itself to be able to sort out the (occasional or frequent) mess in my head...

it helps me to address things on my mind and evaluate how to proceed with some of the things i talk about, or how to avoid things i talk about, or just deal with them in general for day to day exercises.

so where to from here?

dunno, just take it one day at a time really...

just when i think to myself "i have no idea what to write about" - that is always my starting point... and it's on those days when the magic happens and i have plenty to write about without having realised it to begin with!

and importantly for me, it's become my nap replacement, so instead of coming home from work and going to sleep, i am instead tapping my fingers on the keyboard, which in a way gives me the downtime i need from my day...

and the feedback i get from others gives me even more motivation to continue with my daily rants, cause i get some good responses, and that sort of contact is something i really enjoy reading afterwards :-)

so thank you for taking the time to read my blogs - yes you!

you've been a part of helping me make a better life for myself :-)

another good day.... goodie goodie yum yum!

wow what a day so far!

i stayed up until about 11.30 last night watching tv... then went to bed

i woke up around 6.15am for a loo stop and took my nose patches off thinking i wasn't going to be in bed for much longer.... i went back to bed and by the time i woke up and looked at the clock again it was 10.45am!!! wow i haven't slept that long in ages!

i leaped out of bed, had a literal 5 minute shower and started on my day...

went to the chemist to get my new reduced script of anti crazy drugs.... visited renae at sharon's shop just so she could count at least one customer for the day hehehe..... then walked down from there to the medical centre to pay for the patches i collected last night... then walked back over to the plumber to talk about the issue with the pump on the water tank (which i think i have isolated to the ensuite toilet again - they're coming next friday to try and fix the toilet), went to the supermarket and got some milk and fruit (yay i can have nutriblasts in the mornings again!)... went back to the chemist to collect my script then came home...

i then decided to make contact with the passport office to find out where my passport was... they gave me the tracking ID that australia post had allocated for the delivery... sure enough, the passport has been awaiting collection since last week! the damn mail deliverers once again mixed up the addresses with my mail.... went straight back to town to collect it....

stopped off at the address that gets my mail (i am assuming) but no one was there... will try again another time...

i've organised a replacement posting of this month's train pornos so hopefully they will come this week or early next week...

left a message with someone at the local council to discuss changing out street name but haven't received a call back as yet....

now i'm just about to pull out my first batch of butter biscuits - first batch of any sort of biscuits i've made in at least a decade..... fingers crossed they come out nice - it smells good and the batter tasted yum lol

so all in all, it's been yet another good day, and it's not yet 5pm...

three good days in a row of note is pretty good i think!

oh and i did the aptitude test for the trainee train driver job, got a generated email response 10 mins later with a report on my test - it's pretty nifty how it sums everything up, i think from what i can tell i should be good to proceed to the next stage :-)

just feels like i'm kicking a bundle of goals and i'm loving it!

good to feel this good :-)

yay!!!!! :-)

today's been a great day!

the work day went relatively well... not much to report, back to having pretty much nil customers again lol

after work was good fun

i went to see my psychiatrist... talked about how i've been going since my reduction of medication from 150mg to 100mg.... how i've started this blog and it's really enjoyable, and getting great comments back from others about my thoughts and feelings... talked about not really enjoying my job and looking for something else as i need more money... and at the end of it all, he asked how i felt i was coping with it..

i said "it's like i'm at a point where i appear to not really care about anything, not that i don't care, i do... it's just that with all the problems going on around me, work, finances, medical things etc, i really don't rate them that highly on the stress meter... i'm just dealing with it as it comes along and seeing where it's all taking me"

then he asked me if i was happy to stay at 100mg or if i'd like to go down to 50mg!

woo hoo! i'm going to get my new script filled tomorrow :-)

he wants me to come back in a week before i head to portugal to see how i'm travelling on the new dosage just to be sure i'll be fine for the trip overseas..... talked about trying to keep taking my tablets at the same interval (i.e. roughly every 24 hours, so it might switch over from being a dinner time tablet, to a day time tablet whilst over there)

then had a lovely dinner with paul at the souva bar - we ate on the street under cover, watched and listened to the rain - it was such a lovely sight and sound...

so the weather finally changed from muggy sticky tropical humidity to a lovely cool calm aired evening... i have a few windows open in the house to air it out a bit so it's fresh for when i head to bed later on tonight

then i stopped in to see my sleep doctor on the way home... he seems to have a different photo in his frame opposite his desk each time i have been there... this time it was a face shot of him with his beret/old man's cap, bit of a goatee and suckin on a large pipe..... WOOF! i was half tempted to jump over and take a photo of it to keep for myself for special occasions.... LOL he's got a lovely voice, and yeah it reminds me of someone i used to love, but i don't care, as per above, that thought doesn't rate high on my stress meter anymore :-) but because he's a bit cute, and the voice, and the photo of him... makes me a bit more shy than normal - i couldn't look him in the eyes when he was talking about the printouts he'd just given me for my own records, or if i chose to see a dental specialist in ballarat to talk about getting (another!) splint to assist with my breathing at night during sleep.....

*deep breath* where was i?!

oh yeah... so i got another month worth of nasal patches of what i'm currently on, and then another month supply of patches the next level down (which targets more snoring than my apnea problem, and is about a third of the cost of the other patches) so i can try them both out and compare to see how i go...

should give me enough to get through portugal and back again...

then came home and called mum to wish her happy birthday and talk about my day - she's pleased to hear about my meds going down in dosage... she's also pleased to hear of my target that may actually happen - to get off the meds altogether by the end of the year :-)

now i can just relax on the couch, watch some winnylosers on tv and head to bed for a good night sleep (fingers crossed!)

have a nice day off tomorrow at home, interspersed with a trip to the medical centre to pay for the nasal patches that i got tonight, and perhaps a trip to the plumber to find out exactly what i need to do to check for grit or dirt in the pump of the water tank to stop it kicking in and re-pressurising every 5-10 minutes... there's heaps of water in the tank and i want to use it without having to go outside and turn the pump on and off to avoid the intermittent problem!

fingers crossed my passport comes tomorrow and my train pornos too... that would be nice and it's almost the middle of march! otherwise i might buzz them and ask if there's been a delay and get another copy posted out...

and andrew is coming to visit on saturday :-) be great to see him, haven't seen him since our drive to nsw back in january... i'm hoping the tomato plants put on a good show of some RED tomatoes - it's autumn and it's well overdue for some ripe tomatoes!

i'm blabbering... and the rain is starting again.... and i have tv to watch... and i think i might have a chai latte thingo out of the coffee machiney thingymabobbywhatsidoobey......

righto then!

today was a good day :-)

i keep on thinking today is sunday... i guess cause today was a public holiday and back to normal trading tomorrow, it sorta makes it feel like a sunday in that way...

work started off quiet... dead, actually... i helped a couple walking around the store this morning and in my circle around the store, i crossed their path about 4 times..... and then out of nowhere.... in a space of 60 seconds, 4 cars rolled into the trade area, and off we went...

it was madness, cars everywhere, a queue to exit the trade area (no thanks to the dickhead who was parking in the middle of the road and never in an actual parking space lol)...... we were flat out for a few hours then it finally started to taper down after about 1.30-2pm... so the afternoon was reasonable from then on...

it was good to be productive though, it helps to pass things along a bit better...

then i had a visitor stop by on their way back to melbourne from daylesford - it was really good to just catch up... wasn't sure if sex was expected, and i am still recovering from the tummy bug, so i messaged back beforehand making sure it was clear that none was on offer...

had a wonderful evening, talking, chatting, conversing..... talking about my situation with work and finances etc, and he mentioning his new job that he's literally just started this week...

then he asked what i was doing for dinner, and i said i was having some leftovers - he asked about having dinner together somewhere, and i just said "yeah that's fine as long as you're paying!" hehehe

found out that the shop next door to the takeaway shop (which has been empty as long as i've lived here), finally opened this week as a proper fully fledged pizza and pasta shop! perfect opportunity to taste their wares when someone else was paying hehehehe

tried a cream penne pasta with chicken and mushroom - wow the ratio of chicken and mushrooms versus the pasta was by far to the side of chicken and mushroom (very impressed) - i said if they keep that up, they'd either reduce the amount of chicken they put in it, or increase the price of the dish, or both lol

their timings are still being ironed out so the pasta came first before the pizza even hit the oven... so we snacked on the pasta, then just as we finished it, the pizza was ready, so brought it home... greek lamb pizza - was seeing if it was anything like the old lamb pizza at big nick's in wyndham vale... it wasn't the same, but it was still very tasty... i'm looking forward to trying their hotter ones next time, meat lovers, mexicana etc

then i took him out the backyard to show what awesome colours in the silence of the evening would appear in the sky at sunset....

wow, the pinks, oranges, cut through the centre with a long strip cloud of dark purple, mixed in with a few white swirls like a meringue...

i really love it here, it's exactly where i want to be

so overall it's been a good day i reckon :-)

be good to see my psychiatrist tomorrow after work - he's a quietly spoken indian dude, and when he talks, i get the warm and fuzzies about it, he's just a really kind lovely man - it helps to have that persona in the position he's in i think.

and i have my review later in the evening with the cute sleep specialist.... see how things go with that appointment too.....

nice one :-)

summer's back again... and should i sell myself indirectly?

hopefully it doesn't stick around for long...

poor chookies look a bit frazzled, they're just as mucked up by the hot weather as i am...

i'll go out after dinner and water the gardens and restock their water container and perhaps give them a light shower to cool down...

so (touch wood) my tummy has been pretty good today... fingers crossed it continues on the improve in the coming days!

meanwhile, woke up during the night last night with an incredible sharp pain in my back - i think i might've accidentally arched my back and stretched the muscles and got a cramp or something like that... not very nice, but managed to get back to sleep again...

so it's a couple of days until my review with the physio/sleep specialist to see how i'm going with my patches... i think i'm doing alright - they say that if you have dreams, then you're in the right amount of depth in your sleep... in that case i'm having perfect night's sleep LOL many weird and crazy dreams... like getting my knob pierced the other night... and surprisingly it didn't hurt as much as i had expected - but what can i say, it was a dream :-)

so this missing malaysian airlines plane that's gone missing is a bit of a worry... especially with my up coming trip overseas next month... i'm sure everything will be ok though... it's really scary but only deal with it if it actually happens.... (touches wood again... twice...)

and as it's a hot day, it's perfect weather to have the oven on 250° to roast the last part of the piece of pork i'm making for dinner.... well not really but it's defrosted and it's the only way i know how to cook it properly through the meat...

my credit card is officially maxxed out... i need to think of a way to get it back down again...

getting a couple of friend requests on xtube... and wondered whether doing a couple of videos would help - an indirect prostitution of myself to make some extra money.... i still dunno what to do lol would people really pay for that sort of silliness... and how much... i certainly don't pay for it, out of principle and sheer element of lack of money lol

just keep taking it a day at a time...

and i have to flex my aptitudes this week once again...

split personalities and other odd bits...

no i'm not going to the chillout thingo...

i'm just not the sort who goes to these big carnival things... not the gay ones anyway - i've never been interested in them and still not interested in them now...

the only real carnival type thing i try to attend as often as i can is the geelong show - it's a lovely big traditional show, lots of animals, local produce, silly games etc etc

apart from that, i don't really go anywhere or do anything...

i haven't got the money anymore... nor do i really have the drive to go to much other things (or is that 'many'?)

i'll goto the laird a couple of times a year if i'm lucky, don the leathers just to feel like i might be a part of something, to soon realise i'm really not lol

the trouble is, and it's a fight i've had within myself since i was a kid, how is it that i feel that i would like to attend some of these things, but at the same time i really am against going to any of them?

it sometimes feels like a split personality contest and the negative one always seems to win... because the times that i try to let the positive one win me over, i go to the laird on my own or something, or even with someone else, i sit there and don't talk to anyone cause i'm too shy and i'm well versed in the *keep away from me* vibes... so i really just sit and wonder whether there's any point to it? (along with avoiding eye contact with everyone in sight)

so i guess it sends me a bit into a spin because my brain just concentrates so hard on "why are these people going to these events" and "how can they enjoy themselves, it's just ridiculous"

and then it leads to posts on facebook expressing my frustration, wishing i wasn't beaten with the gay stick... but then it makes me wonder whether being straight would've made a difference...?

probably not... i don't dance, that's an asexual activity... i don't really drink that much (also asexual).... i'm generally a shy person (an asexual characteristic)...

i guess the only thing i can say that pinpoints what my problem is (because obviously i see it as a 'problem'), is that i'm an introvert...

i'm a homebody, i like to stay home to sleep, clean, eat, cook, iron, do gardening, mow lawns, do washing etc etc... i like to have people visit and i cook dinner for them - and even still i hide in my own house as it's easier for me if there are 2 or more guests as they can generally hold conversations themselves whilst i potter in the background cooking or cleaning up afterwards......

so when people on these websites and mobile applications try to make contact with me, i generally shut them down quickly anyway cause i know 98% of them just want sex, they don't care about much else...

i've always been a firm believer that the brain is a sexual organ - i've said this to many people i know... basically, if you can work your way to my brain, the body will respond afterwards - a great conversation and getting to know someone is really more of a turn on than just messaging me and saying "lets fuck" off the bat...

i'm 30 now... how much older will i get before i manage to have a bit more of a sustainable social life? will i ever get the sustainable social life i should probably have before i pass on into the next life/world? i don't know...

but is it worth making a big deal about it? or should i just resign myself to not going out anywhere and just taking myself off all these websites and things because 99.9% of people on there will want to meet face to face whereas i'm happy just tapping on a keyboard...

i really don't know... but i do care... i think...

it doesn't make sense to me.....

friday...

today it felt like my guts were going downhill again, after feeling almost completely better last night...

what a pain... and literally so...

it's interesting though, that visiting the doctor involved dealing with a student doctor first - haven't had that experience before.

she was a lovely girl originally from shepparton, studied in geelong and melbourne before being based in ballarat for work experiences... she's in ballan for 5 weeks...

poked and prodded in the gut again, quizzed about my likes/dislikes, whether walks along the beach with the wind in my hair was my sort of good time etc etc...

by the end of it and having the proper doctor come in to make his own assessment too, they said that they still weren't sure exactly what was causing my pain, but they felt it would still pass in 3-4 days...

it's really interesting that they can make an assessment of (in plain terms) "i don't know what you have, but you'll feel better in 4 days"

and the usual clause "if you're not better come back again"

but got given a referral instead to have my innards tested.... blood, piss and chair samples....

i just hope i can feel better by the end of the long weekend cause i really hate to be prodded with needles... more stress than i can usually handle, especially with 4-5 days notice that it's going to happen!

so spent most of the morning dagging around home in a bath robe... looking at jobbo things on the net but not finding anything to suit my capabilities... nor could i find a sugar daddy to chat up and give me some sustenance in the form of cash...

and now it's raining a little... a sound to soothe my body and mind, if not my gut...

and i mustn't forget to complete a task that was allocated to me this week... must sort that before i forget to do it!

posted off a copy of the age newspaper i bought in january during the heatwave... i sent it to mum cause the front page article was about a bit of history that was found that connects the portuguese to being one of the first (if not the first) mobs to land on australia - dodgy drawing of a kangaroo and a spiel about something that could have been related to australia in the 1600's - i know dad always claimed the portuguese and dutch were the first to land on australia...

so that's another thing i can cross off my mind's list of chores...

i've taken out a bread stick from the freezer... just trying to think of what i can do with it, apart from just toast it and eat it in one sitting... which is the most likely option at this stage.... as an entree to dinner....

working all long weekend which will help me out with some extra cash for the public holiday monday - a small gesture to try and assist the repayments on the credit card.....

sometimes i need reminding, before it gets too late

"they brag a man, has walked his space, but you can't even, find my place"

yeah, right, sure, no problems, cheers, thanks a lot...

so out of three steps i made for myself, i've been cut on two occasions... i have only two feet, but the feet still remain...

sometimes (well quite often actually) i wonder whether i was really meant to be taking the path i am currently on. like i've forced an alternative life path onto which i was actually destined to another direction.

have the spirits and auras of the world been trying to tell me from the start that i wasn't meant to be living where i am today? and thence working in roles that which i have been up to today?

sure i was just starting out in a job that i had no idea, at first, would lead me into the deepest darkest worlds of the underworld/land of the construction industry, which would chew me up and spit me out a few times before it was done with me... but i thought it was the perfect time to sell up and build a new house...

and it's been pretty much rocky ever since.

and it's not that i'm blaming anyone, i don't look for blame at all, i'm more so just taking a few steps backwards to look at the signposts on the journey to this point in time. and all the troubles and hassles i've been through to get here.

the thing that i try to take away from every single piece, is that i did not give up.

as much as i might've felt like giving up, said i was going to give up, give indications of all of the above, my actions proved otherwise.

i'm in a rough spot, but i've been through much worse, and sure enough things won't get any easier any time soon, but be fucked if i'm going to give up, or change my ways.

i shouldn't have to change for anyone, or anything, to fit into the world that i find myself to being the square peg to the world's round hole.

i deserve the best, god knows i've put in everything i have (and a hell of a lot more even still) - and i continue to do so even when odds may be against me, when my brain might be against me and even when my heart might be against me. but i push on, because there is no point in standing in the sidelines of wallowing and wondering how things came undone.

just shrug it off and get on with it as best you can.

you can keep thinking about how things happened, why things happened, how things could be done differently, but at no point is this a free ticket to just sit down and stop your life over it - you have to keep going forwards..

going forwards doesn't mean you have to forget what you've been through (unless you want to forget what you've been through), it just means you've got to continue focussing on what it is your goals are - at that particular time.

yes i am looking for other jobs, i cannot afford to stay where i am, but i am not going to change who i am. i am not a 'yes man' - but that doesn't mean i am always the "no man", it just means i will always ask a question before doing something before i start on that path... as someone who gives 150% of effort, 99% of the time, i want to make sure that i have confidence in giving so much of my effort for a particular thing.

i work hard, i play very little, but i don't want to lose my home, i love where i live, i built the home i loved on a block of land i fell in love with, in a place that i adore - even if all of the above didn't want me to be here. too bad - i'm here now - fucking deal with it.

just give me a break for a change, and give me something to build upon with my skills for a longer term future that i really really want and deserve. and give me the recognition and reward that i fucking well deserve too. because i deserve it - that's why!

i'm so much more than just a slave, i know how to slave for others, i've been doing it for years, but i think i deserve an opportunity to flex my skills a bit more to do something with a bit more meaning. that's all.

and if i'm being unreasonable with my wishes and desires, just tell me what it is that's so unreasonable and i will reassess the list - i'm happy to negotiate and make adjustments, i'm a reasonable person.

just stop fucking me around and let me have a chance on my own two feet without the crutches of other people's money and sympathy.

recovering

my guts are starting to feel less problematic this afternoon...

was still a bit bad this morning but i think it's slowly improved throughout the day

good day at work, lots of stock to put away and sort out

got my replacement tupperware back from jaye today - great news :-)

paid the telstra bill

it's a lovely drizzly afternoon, perfect to sit inside and tap at the keyboard whilst reclining in the couch listening to the wind noises through the flue and the occasional horn and trundle noises of the train

apart from that it's nice and peaceful... very relaxing... could easily fall asleep but i will avoid it as best as i can until bed time

leftover thickened cream in the fridge from the potato bake on the weekend... expires tomorrow so have to think up something to make with it before then... maybe just whip it up, add icing sugar and eat it like that lol

dunk some biscuits into it...

use it as topping to ice cream or something...

maybe use it in the nutribullet LOL i'm sure there are some nutrients in thickened cream that could be unlocked with the nutribullet hahahahaha

i need to cut my hair and trim the beard again soon... maybe over the weekend...

meant to be catching up with someone on friday but i'd like to think up an excuse now and use it so i can have a chill out day to myself...

sex is really overrated these days for me... i'm really just not that interested in it anymore... i guess be able to live on my own as a single guy means i don't have the necessity for it as i usually use it as an escape from something or someone...

it's what i used the beat for... thank god i don't use it for an escape anymore...

all in all i think i'm doing alright...

still praying for an answer to many questions, but i'll just push on with things until the answers come up or i can find out the answers to things myself...

sometimes things require effort to resolve, other things are out of your own control so no point wasting effort to resolve them...

i'm a bit half n half i think...

birds of a feather, hurl themselves together...

what the hell, already!

had another 2 birds today throw themselves at my windows...

no my windows are not that clean, in fact they are regularly dirty from the dust that blows down from the train tracks... so i have no idea why the are insisting on doing it on a regular basis! lol

and those damn ducks... i should probably let them crap my driveway in it's entirety until the whole thing is coloured black... it's pretty much half way done after 3 days of me not cleaning it.....

and out of the three steps i took last week, one of them tripped me up today... got two steps left i suppose... and i only need one good step, so it's not all bad...

my guts are feeling better today but still not 100% yet... not wearing anything below the waist seems to help me feel better so there isn't any pressure around my gut in the form of elastic or belt...

warm day today, forecasted top temperature was 29° and so far it's reached 33.5°.... so much for the forecast....

and i'm still waiting on a sugar daddy to knock on my door and make all my money problems disappear!

i dunno... not much else to report... broken sleep, more naps on the floor, ripped off the nasal patches at 2am again...

my brain's a bit of a mess at the moment from nothing in particular...

just about done... grrrr....

"oh my golly gosh" said mrs lemcke...

as did i this morning when my gut pains came back into play :-(

driving home was a great chore... almost had to pull over at the weighing station at leigh creek to possibly throw up... but given i haven't thrown up since about 1996, i wasn't about to break a habit... driving with windows open seemed to help with the fresh air flushing through the cabin...

the doctor pushed and prodded his fingers around my stomach just to make sure it wasn't appendicitis.... thank god it wasn't, although i did ask what symptoms to look out for in case it is appendicitis in future and he said "oh don't you worry, if it was your appendix, you wouldn't have been able to cope with my pressing your guts like i just did!"

i think the appendix is the one last thing that i believe is a common ailment in people... all my other things are pretty much dealt with - braces, wisdom teeth, jaw fixed up, chicken pox etc

i did also think maybe had i started with gall stones or something of a stoney nature? i hope not... i've heard of long painful battles of sharp pains in the guts as they are forming or shifting positions...

so another 14 bucks on the credit card to get even more pills to try and fix my problem - 4 antibiotic tablets taken immediately, and that's it... they must be pretty strong to only have the one dosage...

another day off work tomorrow, hoping i can have a good night rest to get better, although having had almost 3 hours nap on the floor this evening, it might make things a bit difficult for a decent night sleep in bed...

i pushed myself to go outside for a bit of fresh air and to change the water in the girls water bucket as they didn't have much left... threw some salad scraps to them too...

meanwhile those bloody ducks in the front yard are still crapping on the driveway like there's no tomorrow....

if i feel better tomorrow i'll go out and clean it off...

so given how knackered i've been today, and the hours of sleep this afternoon, i almost didn't post a blog, i almost crawled into bed straight up but i was instructed to have something else to nibble on and drink some more to replenish my system... so that gave me a last booster for the evening...

but i will push on... i have to get better... i have to earn my keep.... the last thing i'm going to allow myself to go bankrupt over is a bloody illness...

so get stuffed, bugger off, leave me alone, i've had enough

i'm sick of being sick, just let me live my life as healthily as i possibly can

give me a break and help me out by giving me the opportunity and future i deserve, i work so damned hard, i bloody deserve more than a kick in the guts, and this time it feels like a literal kick in the guts!

just stop it already, i don't need any more challenges, i'm sure whoever is out there or up there realises by now that i am good for a challenge and do my best to beat them, but don't keep piling new situations on the top of my head - i'll keep on pushing through but SURELY by now, there must be a reward for my efforts?!!???!!

please?!

day of the bush bash

wow! what a day....!!

finally got to learn how to use 4wd in the truck, good fun :-)

up and down hills and rocky surfaces... in a shallow water pool... skidding here and there...

makes me feel a bit more competent.... at least i know when to use the 4wd gears in the truck when required...

now i want to go back up to helensburgh and drive around the hills looking for cawley tunnel again... too bad otford tunnel has the cage at the bottom and the big dead tractor half way up, otherwise i'd be going in there too!

so i'm back on the couch at home enjoying the last part of the weekend, just watching tv and about to start on the ironing...

and it's interesting to think that i'll be going overseas - next month! that'll be a bit excitement...

now if i could just get some money together to pay off the credit card and have a little play money while i'm over there.... hmm... here goes those thoughts of prostitution again!

and i love biscuits... they are yum... crunchy, tasty, great with milk... and great in my belly....

was great to have jake up this weekend again too, with helping out in the yard with plants, plantings, watering, fertilising etc looking forward to having some tomatoes ripen up to eat - perhaps this week!

gotta think of what to do with the rest of the thickened cream... maybe do a half recipe of pasteis de nata or something like that... or just whip it up with icing sugar and eat it as is lol

i should stop now before i end up eating more food... not that it's a problem for me, but it is easy enough to do lol

smile when you feel it

had a pretty good day today...

got to see my doctor for possibly the last time... she's just there once in a blue moon now as opposed to full time...

so i got a new script for my crazy drugs, reflux tablets (no more lump in my throat tonight thank christ, now it's just my guts that need to get better).... did a lap of the lions club markets in the main street, got some nice vegies and the local paper...

then came home, cleaned the deep fryer at last, put some washing out, let the chookies out for a run around the yard, fertilised all the hebes along my front hedge fence line bit thingo whatsit.... jake helped with mulching all the nanna bushes along the concrete cause they were getting a bit naked from all the wind and other birds scratching the last lot of mulch out from under them...

reorganised the front porch plants, everything out in the open now and the fruit tree pot plants relocated to either side of my bedroom window, looks awesome and not so cluttered near the front door...

had a nap again this afternoon.... i'll see if i can sleep through tonight without taking the patches off my nose again...

then made a great dinner for us, pork chops and a potato bake... damn those potatoes were good... bacon, onion and cheese makes a great addition to it... and got to use a small handful of the garlic chives growing out the front...

so i was washing the dishes and it suddenly dawned on me, that 90% of the time when i'm washing dishes, i have a smile on my face without realising it... there's a few things that i do that make me smile automatically, cleaning seems to be one of them, i guess it's the pleasure in knowing the sort of result that comes from it - a clean home...

does the same sorta thing when i am in the garden, sometimes even when i'm mowing the paddocks and i'm knackered as anything...

so it's nice that even when times are tough, money is worse than non existent, and work can be a difficult experience, that i can find things to smile about...

the trick now, is to acknowledge when i am smiling and make myself aware of it, so i can enjoy what is going on around me even more...

nothing is worse than when i am feeling bad or sad, and put on a 'brave face' and smile when i'm not feeling like smiling - pretty much always puts me in tears... contradictory things like that have always made me sad...

i remember in primary school just after my parents got back from spending the whole of summer school holidays overseas without me and my sister (and staying with my godparents whilst my sister stayed with a family friend), we had this page exercise with a picture of a girl in tears.... can't remember what it was all about, but she had these hair ties with love hearts on it... it literally made me upset and cry because in my mind, i was sad that this girl was crying even though she had these "nice and happy looking hair ties"

the teacher sent me to the sick room next door and they called mum to pick me up - i just said i was upset cause i hadn't seen my parents all holidays and then a couple days after they got back, i was already back in school, so i was missing them.... that was the 'story' that day anyway...

even today when i think about that picture, it can still make me feel a bit upset, and sometimes when i'm trying to cry something out of my system, i'll think of that picture too...

so i guess, in summation, learning to express what you are feeling is the key to living a full life.

if you are feeling sad, feel sad, show your sadness

if you are feeling angry, feel the anger, disperse the anger in a controlled way (punching bag, throw rocks in a paddock, write a blog)

if you are feeling good, revel in it, enjoy the moment to its' fullest

and if you are smiling, be aware of your smile, and wear it with pride...

at the end of the day, i love it when i can smile cause i paid a DAMN good amount of money for it!!!!!

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)