today it felt like my guts were going downhill again, after feeling almost completely better last night...
what a pain... and literally so...
it's interesting though, that visiting the doctor involved dealing with a student doctor first - haven't had that experience before.
she was a lovely girl originally from shepparton, studied in geelong and melbourne before being based in ballarat for work experiences... she's in ballan for 5 weeks...
poked and prodded in the gut again, quizzed about my likes/dislikes, whether walks along the beach with the wind in my hair was my sort of good time etc etc...
by the end of it and having the proper doctor come in to make his own assessment too, they said that they still weren't sure exactly what was causing my pain, but they felt it would still pass in 3-4 days...
it's really interesting that they can make an assessment of (in plain terms) "i don't know what you have, but you'll feel better in 4 days"
and the usual clause "if you're not better come back again"
but got given a referral instead to have my innards tested.... blood, piss and chair samples....
i just hope i can feel better by the end of the long weekend cause i really hate to be prodded with needles... more stress than i can usually handle, especially with 4-5 days notice that it's going to happen!
so spent most of the morning dagging around home in a bath robe... looking at jobbo things on the net but not finding anything to suit my capabilities... nor could i find a sugar daddy to chat up and give me some sustenance in the form of cash...
and now it's raining a little... a sound to soothe my body and mind, if not my gut...
and i mustn't forget to complete a task that was allocated to me this week... must sort that before i forget to do it!
posted off a copy of the age newspaper i bought in january during the heatwave... i sent it to mum cause the front page article was about a bit of history that was found that connects the portuguese to being one of the first (if not the first) mobs to land on australia - dodgy drawing of a kangaroo and a spiel about something that could have been related to australia in the 1600's - i know dad always claimed the portuguese and dutch were the first to land on australia...
so that's another thing i can cross off my mind's list of chores...
i've taken out a bread stick from the freezer... just trying to think of what i can do with it, apart from just toast it and eat it in one sitting... which is the most likely option at this stage.... as an entree to dinner....
working all long weekend which will help me out with some extra cash for the public holiday monday - a small gesture to try and assist the repayments on the credit card.....
Friday, 7 March 2014
Thursday, 6 March 2014
sometimes i need reminding, before it gets too late
"they brag a man, has walked his space, but you can't even, find my place"
yeah, right, sure, no problems, cheers, thanks a lot...
so out of three steps i made for myself, i've been cut on two occasions... i have only two feet, but the feet still remain...
sometimes (well quite often actually) i wonder whether i was really meant to be taking the path i am currently on. like i've forced an alternative life path onto which i was actually destined to another direction.
have the spirits and auras of the world been trying to tell me from the start that i wasn't meant to be living where i am today? and thence working in roles that which i have been up to today?
sure i was just starting out in a job that i had no idea, at first, would lead me into the deepest darkest worlds of the underworld/land of the construction industry, which would chew me up and spit me out a few times before it was done with me... but i thought it was the perfect time to sell up and build a new house...
and it's been pretty much rocky ever since.
and it's not that i'm blaming anyone, i don't look for blame at all, i'm more so just taking a few steps backwards to look at the signposts on the journey to this point in time. and all the troubles and hassles i've been through to get here.
the thing that i try to take away from every single piece, is that i did not give up.
as much as i might've felt like giving up, said i was going to give up, give indications of all of the above, my actions proved otherwise.
i'm in a rough spot, but i've been through much worse, and sure enough things won't get any easier any time soon, but be fucked if i'm going to give up, or change my ways.
i shouldn't have to change for anyone, or anything, to fit into the world that i find myself to being the square peg to the world's round hole.
i deserve the best, god knows i've put in everything i have (and a hell of a lot more even still) - and i continue to do so even when odds may be against me, when my brain might be against me and even when my heart might be against me. but i push on, because there is no point in standing in the sidelines of wallowing and wondering how things came undone.
just shrug it off and get on with it as best you can.
you can keep thinking about how things happened, why things happened, how things could be done differently, but at no point is this a free ticket to just sit down and stop your life over it - you have to keep going forwards..
going forwards doesn't mean you have to forget what you've been through (unless you want to forget what you've been through), it just means you've got to continue focussing on what it is your goals are - at that particular time.
yes i am looking for other jobs, i cannot afford to stay where i am, but i am not going to change who i am. i am not a 'yes man' - but that doesn't mean i am always the "no man", it just means i will always ask a question before doing something before i start on that path... as someone who gives 150% of effort, 99% of the time, i want to make sure that i have confidence in giving so much of my effort for a particular thing.
i work hard, i play very little, but i don't want to lose my home, i love where i live, i built the home i loved on a block of land i fell in love with, in a place that i adore - even if all of the above didn't want me to be here. too bad - i'm here now - fucking deal with it.
just give me a break for a change, and give me something to build upon with my skills for a longer term future that i really really want and deserve. and give me the recognition and reward that i fucking well deserve too. because i deserve it - that's why!
i'm so much more than just a slave, i know how to slave for others, i've been doing it for years, but i think i deserve an opportunity to flex my skills a bit more to do something with a bit more meaning. that's all.
and if i'm being unreasonable with my wishes and desires, just tell me what it is that's so unreasonable and i will reassess the list - i'm happy to negotiate and make adjustments, i'm a reasonable person.
just stop fucking me around and let me have a chance on my own two feet without the crutches of other people's money and sympathy.
yeah, right, sure, no problems, cheers, thanks a lot...
so out of three steps i made for myself, i've been cut on two occasions... i have only two feet, but the feet still remain...
sometimes (well quite often actually) i wonder whether i was really meant to be taking the path i am currently on. like i've forced an alternative life path onto which i was actually destined to another direction.
have the spirits and auras of the world been trying to tell me from the start that i wasn't meant to be living where i am today? and thence working in roles that which i have been up to today?
sure i was just starting out in a job that i had no idea, at first, would lead me into the deepest darkest worlds of the underworld/land of the construction industry, which would chew me up and spit me out a few times before it was done with me... but i thought it was the perfect time to sell up and build a new house...
and it's been pretty much rocky ever since.
and it's not that i'm blaming anyone, i don't look for blame at all, i'm more so just taking a few steps backwards to look at the signposts on the journey to this point in time. and all the troubles and hassles i've been through to get here.
the thing that i try to take away from every single piece, is that i did not give up.
as much as i might've felt like giving up, said i was going to give up, give indications of all of the above, my actions proved otherwise.
i'm in a rough spot, but i've been through much worse, and sure enough things won't get any easier any time soon, but be fucked if i'm going to give up, or change my ways.
i shouldn't have to change for anyone, or anything, to fit into the world that i find myself to being the square peg to the world's round hole.
i deserve the best, god knows i've put in everything i have (and a hell of a lot more even still) - and i continue to do so even when odds may be against me, when my brain might be against me and even when my heart might be against me. but i push on, because there is no point in standing in the sidelines of wallowing and wondering how things came undone.
just shrug it off and get on with it as best you can.
you can keep thinking about how things happened, why things happened, how things could be done differently, but at no point is this a free ticket to just sit down and stop your life over it - you have to keep going forwards..
going forwards doesn't mean you have to forget what you've been through (unless you want to forget what you've been through), it just means you've got to continue focussing on what it is your goals are - at that particular time.
yes i am looking for other jobs, i cannot afford to stay where i am, but i am not going to change who i am. i am not a 'yes man' - but that doesn't mean i am always the "no man", it just means i will always ask a question before doing something before i start on that path... as someone who gives 150% of effort, 99% of the time, i want to make sure that i have confidence in giving so much of my effort for a particular thing.
i work hard, i play very little, but i don't want to lose my home, i love where i live, i built the home i loved on a block of land i fell in love with, in a place that i adore - even if all of the above didn't want me to be here. too bad - i'm here now - fucking deal with it.
just give me a break for a change, and give me something to build upon with my skills for a longer term future that i really really want and deserve. and give me the recognition and reward that i fucking well deserve too. because i deserve it - that's why!
i'm so much more than just a slave, i know how to slave for others, i've been doing it for years, but i think i deserve an opportunity to flex my skills a bit more to do something with a bit more meaning. that's all.
and if i'm being unreasonable with my wishes and desires, just tell me what it is that's so unreasonable and i will reassess the list - i'm happy to negotiate and make adjustments, i'm a reasonable person.
just stop fucking me around and let me have a chance on my own two feet without the crutches of other people's money and sympathy.
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
recovering
my guts are starting to feel less problematic this afternoon...
was still a bit bad this morning but i think it's slowly improved throughout the day
good day at work, lots of stock to put away and sort out
got my replacement tupperware back from jaye today - great news :-)
paid the telstra bill
it's a lovely drizzly afternoon, perfect to sit inside and tap at the keyboard whilst reclining in the couch listening to the wind noises through the flue and the occasional horn and trundle noises of the train
apart from that it's nice and peaceful... very relaxing... could easily fall asleep but i will avoid it as best as i can until bed time
leftover thickened cream in the fridge from the potato bake on the weekend... expires tomorrow so have to think up something to make with it before then... maybe just whip it up, add icing sugar and eat it like that lol
dunk some biscuits into it...
use it as topping to ice cream or something...
maybe use it in the nutribullet LOL i'm sure there are some nutrients in thickened cream that could be unlocked with the nutribullet hahahahaha
i need to cut my hair and trim the beard again soon... maybe over the weekend...
meant to be catching up with someone on friday but i'd like to think up an excuse now and use it so i can have a chill out day to myself...
sex is really overrated these days for me... i'm really just not that interested in it anymore... i guess be able to live on my own as a single guy means i don't have the necessity for it as i usually use it as an escape from something or someone...
it's what i used the beat for... thank god i don't use it for an escape anymore...
all in all i think i'm doing alright...
still praying for an answer to many questions, but i'll just push on with things until the answers come up or i can find out the answers to things myself...
sometimes things require effort to resolve, other things are out of your own control so no point wasting effort to resolve them...
i'm a bit half n half i think...
was still a bit bad this morning but i think it's slowly improved throughout the day
good day at work, lots of stock to put away and sort out
got my replacement tupperware back from jaye today - great news :-)
paid the telstra bill
it's a lovely drizzly afternoon, perfect to sit inside and tap at the keyboard whilst reclining in the couch listening to the wind noises through the flue and the occasional horn and trundle noises of the train
apart from that it's nice and peaceful... very relaxing... could easily fall asleep but i will avoid it as best as i can until bed time
leftover thickened cream in the fridge from the potato bake on the weekend... expires tomorrow so have to think up something to make with it before then... maybe just whip it up, add icing sugar and eat it like that lol
dunk some biscuits into it...
use it as topping to ice cream or something...
maybe use it in the nutribullet LOL i'm sure there are some nutrients in thickened cream that could be unlocked with the nutribullet hahahahaha
i need to cut my hair and trim the beard again soon... maybe over the weekend...
meant to be catching up with someone on friday but i'd like to think up an excuse now and use it so i can have a chill out day to myself...
sex is really overrated these days for me... i'm really just not that interested in it anymore... i guess be able to live on my own as a single guy means i don't have the necessity for it as i usually use it as an escape from something or someone...
it's what i used the beat for... thank god i don't use it for an escape anymore...
all in all i think i'm doing alright...
still praying for an answer to many questions, but i'll just push on with things until the answers come up or i can find out the answers to things myself...
sometimes things require effort to resolve, other things are out of your own control so no point wasting effort to resolve them...
i'm a bit half n half i think...
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
birds of a feather, hurl themselves together...
what the hell, already!
had another 2 birds today throw themselves at my windows...
no my windows are not that clean, in fact they are regularly dirty from the dust that blows down from the train tracks... so i have no idea why the are insisting on doing it on a regular basis! lol
and those damn ducks... i should probably let them crap my driveway in it's entirety until the whole thing is coloured black... it's pretty much half way done after 3 days of me not cleaning it.....
and out of the three steps i took last week, one of them tripped me up today... got two steps left i suppose... and i only need one good step, so it's not all bad...
my guts are feeling better today but still not 100% yet... not wearing anything below the waist seems to help me feel better so there isn't any pressure around my gut in the form of elastic or belt...
warm day today, forecasted top temperature was 29° and so far it's reached 33.5°.... so much for the forecast....
and i'm still waiting on a sugar daddy to knock on my door and make all my money problems disappear!
i dunno... not much else to report... broken sleep, more naps on the floor, ripped off the nasal patches at 2am again...
my brain's a bit of a mess at the moment from nothing in particular...
had another 2 birds today throw themselves at my windows...
no my windows are not that clean, in fact they are regularly dirty from the dust that blows down from the train tracks... so i have no idea why the are insisting on doing it on a regular basis! lol
and those damn ducks... i should probably let them crap my driveway in it's entirety until the whole thing is coloured black... it's pretty much half way done after 3 days of me not cleaning it.....
and out of the three steps i took last week, one of them tripped me up today... got two steps left i suppose... and i only need one good step, so it's not all bad...
my guts are feeling better today but still not 100% yet... not wearing anything below the waist seems to help me feel better so there isn't any pressure around my gut in the form of elastic or belt...
warm day today, forecasted top temperature was 29° and so far it's reached 33.5°.... so much for the forecast....
and i'm still waiting on a sugar daddy to knock on my door and make all my money problems disappear!
i dunno... not much else to report... broken sleep, more naps on the floor, ripped off the nasal patches at 2am again...
my brain's a bit of a mess at the moment from nothing in particular...
Monday, 3 March 2014
just about done... grrrr....
"oh my golly gosh" said mrs lemcke...
as did i this morning when my gut pains came back into play :-(
driving home was a great chore... almost had to pull over at the weighing station at leigh creek to possibly throw up... but given i haven't thrown up since about 1996, i wasn't about to break a habit... driving with windows open seemed to help with the fresh air flushing through the cabin...
the doctor pushed and prodded his fingers around my stomach just to make sure it wasn't appendicitis.... thank god it wasn't, although i did ask what symptoms to look out for in case it is appendicitis in future and he said "oh don't you worry, if it was your appendix, you wouldn't have been able to cope with my pressing your guts like i just did!"
i think the appendix is the one last thing that i believe is a common ailment in people... all my other things are pretty much dealt with - braces, wisdom teeth, jaw fixed up, chicken pox etc
i did also think maybe had i started with gall stones or something of a stoney nature? i hope not... i've heard of long painful battles of sharp pains in the guts as they are forming or shifting positions...
so another 14 bucks on the credit card to get even more pills to try and fix my problem - 4 antibiotic tablets taken immediately, and that's it... they must be pretty strong to only have the one dosage...
another day off work tomorrow, hoping i can have a good night rest to get better, although having had almost 3 hours nap on the floor this evening, it might make things a bit difficult for a decent night sleep in bed...
i pushed myself to go outside for a bit of fresh air and to change the water in the girls water bucket as they didn't have much left... threw some salad scraps to them too...
meanwhile those bloody ducks in the front yard are still crapping on the driveway like there's no tomorrow....
if i feel better tomorrow i'll go out and clean it off...
so given how knackered i've been today, and the hours of sleep this afternoon, i almost didn't post a blog, i almost crawled into bed straight up but i was instructed to have something else to nibble on and drink some more to replenish my system... so that gave me a last booster for the evening...
but i will push on... i have to get better... i have to earn my keep.... the last thing i'm going to allow myself to go bankrupt over is a bloody illness...
so get stuffed, bugger off, leave me alone, i've had enough
i'm sick of being sick, just let me live my life as healthily as i possibly can
give me a break and help me out by giving me the opportunity and future i deserve, i work so damned hard, i bloody deserve more than a kick in the guts, and this time it feels like a literal kick in the guts!
just stop it already, i don't need any more challenges, i'm sure whoever is out there or up there realises by now that i am good for a challenge and do my best to beat them, but don't keep piling new situations on the top of my head - i'll keep on pushing through but SURELY by now, there must be a reward for my efforts?!!???!!
please?!
as did i this morning when my gut pains came back into play :-(
driving home was a great chore... almost had to pull over at the weighing station at leigh creek to possibly throw up... but given i haven't thrown up since about 1996, i wasn't about to break a habit... driving with windows open seemed to help with the fresh air flushing through the cabin...
the doctor pushed and prodded his fingers around my stomach just to make sure it wasn't appendicitis.... thank god it wasn't, although i did ask what symptoms to look out for in case it is appendicitis in future and he said "oh don't you worry, if it was your appendix, you wouldn't have been able to cope with my pressing your guts like i just did!"
i think the appendix is the one last thing that i believe is a common ailment in people... all my other things are pretty much dealt with - braces, wisdom teeth, jaw fixed up, chicken pox etc
i did also think maybe had i started with gall stones or something of a stoney nature? i hope not... i've heard of long painful battles of sharp pains in the guts as they are forming or shifting positions...
so another 14 bucks on the credit card to get even more pills to try and fix my problem - 4 antibiotic tablets taken immediately, and that's it... they must be pretty strong to only have the one dosage...
another day off work tomorrow, hoping i can have a good night rest to get better, although having had almost 3 hours nap on the floor this evening, it might make things a bit difficult for a decent night sleep in bed...
i pushed myself to go outside for a bit of fresh air and to change the water in the girls water bucket as they didn't have much left... threw some salad scraps to them too...
meanwhile those bloody ducks in the front yard are still crapping on the driveway like there's no tomorrow....
if i feel better tomorrow i'll go out and clean it off...
so given how knackered i've been today, and the hours of sleep this afternoon, i almost didn't post a blog, i almost crawled into bed straight up but i was instructed to have something else to nibble on and drink some more to replenish my system... so that gave me a last booster for the evening...
but i will push on... i have to get better... i have to earn my keep.... the last thing i'm going to allow myself to go bankrupt over is a bloody illness...
so get stuffed, bugger off, leave me alone, i've had enough
i'm sick of being sick, just let me live my life as healthily as i possibly can
give me a break and help me out by giving me the opportunity and future i deserve, i work so damned hard, i bloody deserve more than a kick in the guts, and this time it feels like a literal kick in the guts!
just stop it already, i don't need any more challenges, i'm sure whoever is out there or up there realises by now that i am good for a challenge and do my best to beat them, but don't keep piling new situations on the top of my head - i'll keep on pushing through but SURELY by now, there must be a reward for my efforts?!!???!!
please?!
Sunday, 2 March 2014
day of the bush bash
wow! what a day....!!
finally got to learn how to use 4wd in the truck, good fun :-)
up and down hills and rocky surfaces... in a shallow water pool... skidding here and there...
makes me feel a bit more competent.... at least i know when to use the 4wd gears in the truck when required...
now i want to go back up to helensburgh and drive around the hills looking for cawley tunnel again... too bad otford tunnel has the cage at the bottom and the big dead tractor half way up, otherwise i'd be going in there too!
so i'm back on the couch at home enjoying the last part of the weekend, just watching tv and about to start on the ironing...
and it's interesting to think that i'll be going overseas - next month! that'll be a bit excitement...
now if i could just get some money together to pay off the credit card and have a little play money while i'm over there.... hmm... here goes those thoughts of prostitution again!
and i love biscuits... they are yum... crunchy, tasty, great with milk... and great in my belly....
was great to have jake up this weekend again too, with helping out in the yard with plants, plantings, watering, fertilising etc looking forward to having some tomatoes ripen up to eat - perhaps this week!
gotta think of what to do with the rest of the thickened cream... maybe do a half recipe of pasteis de nata or something like that... or just whip it up with icing sugar and eat it as is lol
i should stop now before i end up eating more food... not that it's a problem for me, but it is easy enough to do lol
finally got to learn how to use 4wd in the truck, good fun :-)
up and down hills and rocky surfaces... in a shallow water pool... skidding here and there...
makes me feel a bit more competent.... at least i know when to use the 4wd gears in the truck when required...
now i want to go back up to helensburgh and drive around the hills looking for cawley tunnel again... too bad otford tunnel has the cage at the bottom and the big dead tractor half way up, otherwise i'd be going in there too!
so i'm back on the couch at home enjoying the last part of the weekend, just watching tv and about to start on the ironing...
and it's interesting to think that i'll be going overseas - next month! that'll be a bit excitement...
now if i could just get some money together to pay off the credit card and have a little play money while i'm over there.... hmm... here goes those thoughts of prostitution again!
and i love biscuits... they are yum... crunchy, tasty, great with milk... and great in my belly....
was great to have jake up this weekend again too, with helping out in the yard with plants, plantings, watering, fertilising etc looking forward to having some tomatoes ripen up to eat - perhaps this week!
gotta think of what to do with the rest of the thickened cream... maybe do a half recipe of pasteis de nata or something like that... or just whip it up with icing sugar and eat it as is lol
i should stop now before i end up eating more food... not that it's a problem for me, but it is easy enough to do lol
Saturday, 1 March 2014
smile when you feel it
had a pretty good day today...
got to see my doctor for possibly the last time... she's just there once in a blue moon now as opposed to full time...
so i got a new script for my crazy drugs, reflux tablets (no more lump in my throat tonight thank christ, now it's just my guts that need to get better).... did a lap of the lions club markets in the main street, got some nice vegies and the local paper...
then came home, cleaned the deep fryer at last, put some washing out, let the chookies out for a run around the yard, fertilised all the hebes along my front hedge fence line bit thingo whatsit.... jake helped with mulching all the nanna bushes along the concrete cause they were getting a bit naked from all the wind and other birds scratching the last lot of mulch out from under them...
reorganised the front porch plants, everything out in the open now and the fruit tree pot plants relocated to either side of my bedroom window, looks awesome and not so cluttered near the front door...
had a nap again this afternoon.... i'll see if i can sleep through tonight without taking the patches off my nose again...
then made a great dinner for us, pork chops and a potato bake... damn those potatoes were good... bacon, onion and cheese makes a great addition to it... and got to use a small handful of the garlic chives growing out the front...
so i was washing the dishes and it suddenly dawned on me, that 90% of the time when i'm washing dishes, i have a smile on my face without realising it... there's a few things that i do that make me smile automatically, cleaning seems to be one of them, i guess it's the pleasure in knowing the sort of result that comes from it - a clean home...
does the same sorta thing when i am in the garden, sometimes even when i'm mowing the paddocks and i'm knackered as anything...
so it's nice that even when times are tough, money is worse than non existent, and work can be a difficult experience, that i can find things to smile about...
the trick now, is to acknowledge when i am smiling and make myself aware of it, so i can enjoy what is going on around me even more...
nothing is worse than when i am feeling bad or sad, and put on a 'brave face' and smile when i'm not feeling like smiling - pretty much always puts me in tears... contradictory things like that have always made me sad...
i remember in primary school just after my parents got back from spending the whole of summer school holidays overseas without me and my sister (and staying with my godparents whilst my sister stayed with a family friend), we had this page exercise with a picture of a girl in tears.... can't remember what it was all about, but she had these hair ties with love hearts on it... it literally made me upset and cry because in my mind, i was sad that this girl was crying even though she had these "nice and happy looking hair ties"
the teacher sent me to the sick room next door and they called mum to pick me up - i just said i was upset cause i hadn't seen my parents all holidays and then a couple days after they got back, i was already back in school, so i was missing them.... that was the 'story' that day anyway...
even today when i think about that picture, it can still make me feel a bit upset, and sometimes when i'm trying to cry something out of my system, i'll think of that picture too...
so i guess, in summation, learning to express what you are feeling is the key to living a full life.
if you are feeling sad, feel sad, show your sadness
if you are feeling angry, feel the anger, disperse the anger in a controlled way (punching bag, throw rocks in a paddock, write a blog)
if you are feeling good, revel in it, enjoy the moment to its' fullest
and if you are smiling, be aware of your smile, and wear it with pride...
at the end of the day, i love it when i can smile cause i paid a DAMN good amount of money for it!!!!!
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
got to see my doctor for possibly the last time... she's just there once in a blue moon now as opposed to full time...
so i got a new script for my crazy drugs, reflux tablets (no more lump in my throat tonight thank christ, now it's just my guts that need to get better).... did a lap of the lions club markets in the main street, got some nice vegies and the local paper...
then came home, cleaned the deep fryer at last, put some washing out, let the chookies out for a run around the yard, fertilised all the hebes along my front hedge fence line bit thingo whatsit.... jake helped with mulching all the nanna bushes along the concrete cause they were getting a bit naked from all the wind and other birds scratching the last lot of mulch out from under them...
reorganised the front porch plants, everything out in the open now and the fruit tree pot plants relocated to either side of my bedroom window, looks awesome and not so cluttered near the front door...
had a nap again this afternoon.... i'll see if i can sleep through tonight without taking the patches off my nose again...
then made a great dinner for us, pork chops and a potato bake... damn those potatoes were good... bacon, onion and cheese makes a great addition to it... and got to use a small handful of the garlic chives growing out the front...
so i was washing the dishes and it suddenly dawned on me, that 90% of the time when i'm washing dishes, i have a smile on my face without realising it... there's a few things that i do that make me smile automatically, cleaning seems to be one of them, i guess it's the pleasure in knowing the sort of result that comes from it - a clean home...
does the same sorta thing when i am in the garden, sometimes even when i'm mowing the paddocks and i'm knackered as anything...
so it's nice that even when times are tough, money is worse than non existent, and work can be a difficult experience, that i can find things to smile about...
the trick now, is to acknowledge when i am smiling and make myself aware of it, so i can enjoy what is going on around me even more...
nothing is worse than when i am feeling bad or sad, and put on a 'brave face' and smile when i'm not feeling like smiling - pretty much always puts me in tears... contradictory things like that have always made me sad...
i remember in primary school just after my parents got back from spending the whole of summer school holidays overseas without me and my sister (and staying with my godparents whilst my sister stayed with a family friend), we had this page exercise with a picture of a girl in tears.... can't remember what it was all about, but she had these hair ties with love hearts on it... it literally made me upset and cry because in my mind, i was sad that this girl was crying even though she had these "nice and happy looking hair ties"
the teacher sent me to the sick room next door and they called mum to pick me up - i just said i was upset cause i hadn't seen my parents all holidays and then a couple days after they got back, i was already back in school, so i was missing them.... that was the 'story' that day anyway...
even today when i think about that picture, it can still make me feel a bit upset, and sometimes when i'm trying to cry something out of my system, i'll think of that picture too...
so i guess, in summation, learning to express what you are feeling is the key to living a full life.
if you are feeling sad, feel sad, show your sadness
if you are feeling angry, feel the anger, disperse the anger in a controlled way (punching bag, throw rocks in a paddock, write a blog)
if you are feeling good, revel in it, enjoy the moment to its' fullest
and if you are smiling, be aware of your smile, and wear it with pride...
at the end of the day, i love it when i can smile cause i paid a DAMN good amount of money for it!!!!!
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
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