thanks for the compliment, but it's a bit hard to swallow...

i was talking with my manager in the lunch room this morning about the weekend...

talked about the bears lunch thingo yesterday afternoon....

he wanted to know if everyone had a beard and all looked the same which was a good giggle...

i told him how i claimed the seat at the end of the table next to andrew cause it was near the exit and next to someone i knew... he asked me if i went and "put myself out there" with the other blokes... i said no that i couldn't do anything like that, just too scary...

then i told him about the "who's this delicious man?" comment... he asked how i take that sort of comment...

maybe it's just me, i dunno, but i really find it difficult to hear comments like that aimed at me... i don't know whether it is corny or tacky, or if it's just inappropriate or just makes me feel uncomfortable... all i know is, when i hear comments like that directed at me, i don't feel the best...

i've always been pretty bad at accepting 'compliments'...

i can appreciate the people saying nice things to me, but i will never understand what it is they are seeing, but i've always said that it's not for me to see and/or/nor understand it...

when i look at myself, i just see a skinny hairy guy with a beard who wants to look like a bear, but doesn't, and probably won't cause i'm not sustaining a lifestyle to grow into one (into the ideal of what a bear is/means to me - big, solid, hairy everywhere, decent bushy beard, very strong etc etc)

i've learned that you cannot control your thoughts, they are going to come and go as they see fit, you need to learn to just accept them for what they are - just thoughts..... so in that sense, i've learned to accept that when i look at myself, that's all i'm going to think, so it's neither here nor there...

i had this whole big spiel worked out in my head about typing out this blog but it's going a bit askew i think...

i guess the main point is... thanks for your kind words, i appreciate it, i don't understand it, and i probably won't ever understand it, but it's not my problem all the same..... and sometimes being very very direct in your compliments is possibly one of the quickest ways to see me run a world record 100 metres sprint in the opposing direction of yourself.....

and that's just the way it is with me...

oh no wait, i've remembered part of what i was gonna type...

i sometimes wonder whether the attraction people have towards me is whether they are just wanting to find out who i actually am, like i'm mysterious to them cause i don't talk much at all in public.... similarly i think that maybe i'm just another 'conquest' because i may seem out of reach to some... and that once the conquest is achieved, the mystery disappears and they soon realise there really is nothing more to me...

let's be honest, we've probably all been there at least once in our lives... get the un-gettable and then get over it a few minutes later and throw them aside to move on to the next exciting thing or person...

that's one of the reasons i wanted to move up to ballan, to be away from the gayness of some city things... it's just too much for me to deal with, and i tend to think that most city queens will just baulk at the thought of where i live - i still remember the dinner i was at for my Sir's birthday some years ago when i decided i was going to build a house (in bacchus marsh at that point), and he wanted me to tell his friends about it cause he was excited for me - and to see some of those city queens look at me weird and say things like "bacchus marsh? what zone is that?" with puzzled looks on their faces..... they were the icing on the cake for me to move out here, just to not have to deal with all that very much...

i'm rambling now, but it is my blog so i can keep crappering on if i want to lol

but i'm hungry now...