dribs and drabs

i'm still trying to figure out how to make quick grand to bring the credit card back to a manageable level again (damn car insurance.....)

i have a baby car seat, possibly a wine table, maybe some music... it's a start, but i'll see what happens

my brain is a bit clogged at the moment, lots of thoughts, but nothing in particular... and i've had a great takeaway dinner, so my body is concentrating more-so on the pleasure that food brings me than anything else lol

i've had a lump feeling in my throat for a few days, i reckon it's just my reflux buggering me up again... and that's probably what the pain in my gut has been a couple of times in the mornings this week...

it's difficult to get through something when your heart isn't in it anymore, but you learn to live with it and keep plodding along until something better comes up...

really looking forward to this weekend, working a bit in the garden, going on a 4wd course on sunday, hopefully making something sweet, biscuits or similar, pork and a potato bake for dinner tomorrow (note to self, get grated cheese and bacon)... something of a different weekend... seemed like ages before it got here though...

so i ripped off the nasal patches last night, probably around 2am... i remember being conscious, but eyes shut, when i took them off, but i must've fallen back asleep cause then about an hour later i woke up and thought "what the hell is stuck on my thumb" - the patches were still stuck to my thumb lol

then i freaked out thinking someone was in my house, then realised it was the dishwasher doing it's tricks in the dead of night.....

i love to laugh, a lot, and i'm lucky i get to practice a lot of laughing at work - certainly makes slow boring days like today a bit more interesting...

meanwhile tonight, there was a customer after the trade area had shut the entry drive through roller door (exit door was still open)... he bought stuff, went to load up his car, then drove to the exit boom gate.... then started reversing, turned around and drove back the wrong way towards the entry roller door which was shut.... what a fuckin idiot! people never cease to amaze me with how stupid they can be...

my passport is on it's way at last, got an email from the passport office, so be nice to have that ready to go and then hopefully someone sends me the tickets so i can catch the flight lol it's not like i can say "hey mum, can you just keep a hold of the tickets and i'll collect them when i meet you all in singapore" lol

i need money *sigh*

the rumour file...

so today i had the pleasure of finding out a rumour that apparently was circling about me at work before christmas....

apparently i got one of the girls (who has had a hysterectomy, mind you) at work pregnant...

certainly gave me and a few others a good laugh!

there's a bundle of rumours spreading about different people at work at the moment... i guess not having customers leaves time for those silly ones starting them even more time to start some more!

of course some rumours are true... like with some people sleeping with others.... some person who has just had a kid is sleeping with someone in another dept... it's quite disgusting knowing the filth going on between people, whether they are open about it or not... certainly makes it difficult to walk into work in the morning and see some of these people around and just being utterly disgusted by their actions. i avoid them like the plague otherwise i'll punch them out to try and knock some sense into them... and then i realise people like that have no sense or good morals about them so punching them would be a complete waste of my stress relief...

it all aids in motivating my own life and goals...

meanwhile, can someone please stop switching my brain off while i'm driving? i'd like to get home without feeling like passing out to sleep... it's a bit scary cause it really is one of those things that you don't quite register as happening, until it's almost too late - touch wood it's only been *almost* too late, so far...

so i had another couple of dreams last night...

one was in wollongong somewhere with mum and dad, like in a pub or a cafe somewhere... looked out the window and i pointed out to something that resembled the cutting of the former saltworks train line along north gong beach (now a walking track), and the way it was positioned, i told my parents that the cutting was created after the stack was demolished - that it was where it landed and caused the dip in the land...

next i was at a long term car park at melbourne airport, parked my truck and was walking to one of the bus stops to transport me to the terminal, but the bus was full and i was running late for catching my plane...

those plane dreams always seem to carry on in the lead up to an overseas trip, or just a flight in general...

this afternoon i was bad and i had a nap on the couch... and even during that short stint i had dreams lol something to do with paul coming up to visit and he called me from the main street of ballan saying he was almost here and then jon rocks up in my driveway at that moment, so was a bit surprised that two people were visiting..... the weird thing is though, when i was telling paul that jon had just pulled up, i woke up from the nap/dream and i did say something out loud back to paul, but i cannot remember what it was lol - haven't done that for years either lol

the brain has certainly been on a bender today!

one step at a time

first hurdle jumped...

more hurdles ahead...

just keep running and jumping, running and jumping, you'll reach the finish line in the end!

i always like to think that the saying is true - you get just as much out of something as compared to how much you put into it... (or something like that)

efforts generally do pay off, you just have to keep focusing on the result you are aiming for.

i think the nasal patches are starting to work their charms - as much charm as nasal patches can give.... lol

haven't had a daytime nap since last thursday... still struggling to wake up in the mornings and feel like i've rested enough... still having troubles staying awake on the road at times...

i get to see my doctor on saturday morning, and by the sounds of it, i think it'll be the last time as she's moving on to new adventures...

chopped up the next batch of fruit salad for the nutribullet thingy... quite enjoying having those in the mornings when i make the time for myself.

still think about spending some time with a big bear one day... i'm sure it'll happen, just don't look for it, the opportunity will present itself when the moment is right...

those cheeky ducks still crapping on the driveway... ah well... cleaning the driveway every couple of days is a small price to pay to have families of feathers around my home :-)

i'm still unsure whether having this blog is actually helping me at all, but it's certainly keeping my brain a bit regular and that's a good thing, so i'll keep at it for a while longer.....

prostitution as a means of earning money, and other wonderful ideas.....

i must be having better nights of sleep. dreams continue regularly and still weirder and weirder...

last night was with eddie, patsy and saffron from absolutely fabulous... in oak flats... in the house i grew up in... quite strange...

although each time i watch the first episode of that show it reminds me of one of my ex-idiots - the fat one..... very realistic lol

can't wait for summer to end - warm today again but at least it's cooling down nicely... just looking forward to nice cold nights in front of the wood fire, frosty cold mornings to make you feel alive in a very short space of time.....

been trying to think of what i could sell to make a quick grand to pay off the credit card, but don't know what i have that would be worth much... or worth that much that i actually wanted to part with (that clause should rule out my house and truck lol)...

every now and again i think that prostitution would be an easier way to make quick money, until i realise that i can't pick the people that wanted to pay, cause usually those that are willing to pay would be the ones who couldn't get something without forking out the cash lol

maybe perhaps just an escort service, i'll drive someone somewhere, stand in as whatever they need me to act as, then collect the cash and go home, that sounds much more civil :-)

maybe there's a market for lawn clippings, i can get plenty of that stuff lol

then again, mowing costs money in the form of petrol and oil etc and there's not much clippings to cut at the moment - i think black and tails might get the shits if i rake out all the stuff i threw in for them to play with on sunday night hehehe

well if anyone has any ideas, let me know - and not the lotto, i've tried it lol

getting on with it

had a good day today.

got to catch up with paul. haven't seen him in ages - certainly felt like ages.

he's a good guy, i'm lucky to have him as one of my friends, he is fun to hang out with, have a good laugh, point and laugh at profiles on some of those dodgy websites we use to chat to strange men lol

then a nice trip to watervale for another budget lap of the grocery shops and yummy chicken pasta salad for lunch, mmm

FINALLY sorted out the damned car insurance, just stayed with qbe, they were the cheapest anyway, and i was a bit worried if i lied about not having made any claims if i changed to someone else...

made another 2 steps to get my life sorted out this afternoon...

always wanted to have a job where i could catch the train again..... maybe the train is the way to go..... wait and see...

i know a lot of really nice people online too, bundle of em were pretty good and supportive after my blogging last night - good people are still out there when you aren't looking for them...

made dinner, watered the gardens, refilled the chookies water with clean fresh water..... did my ironing (bliss!) and had a mug of milk and some biscuits...

overall, it was indeed a good day.

not much else to report really... oh had a funny dream about the chooks last night... was going out to feed them and found an extra couple of girls in there.... but Tails wasn't there... turns out, the wind was blowing open one of the feed bin lids and tails was jumping in to stuff herself silly with feed! silly girl hehehe

and the birdlife around here is so wonderful, magpies, sulpher crested cockatoos, crimson rosellas, eastern rosellas, corellas, ducks...

was funny when i was watering the plants out front tonight, the ducks all flew in and gathered at the end of the court, and i was telling em to go away and not crap all over my driveaway (since i had just cleaned it all off 5 mins earlier).... i flicked the hose to straighten it out and it startled them, so they flew over to the empty paddock across the road.... encountered a couple of magpies and the magpies started to run across the paddock to chase the ducks away lol - i figured maybe the ducks were crapping too much in the magpie's yard too hehehe

silly thoughts, they make me laugh and smile :-)

off to bed then, back to work in the morning, fingers crossed i can wake up and start feeling rested... i'm over being tired!

am i the only one who thinks this way?

my body aches... but at least it was only 2 hours worth of mowing... mowed more dirt than grass admittedly, but at least all the stringy growth of dandelions are trimmed back to a neat low cut... and the chookies have some grass and dirt to dig around in and fossick around for some grubbies...

i'm really not sure about my nasal patches for the sleep apnea just yet.

i've gotten to the stage, though, that i can wear the patches all night and not take them off during the night without realising it, so i must be used to them now...

just a worry when i wake up in the morning and feel even more exhausted than i used to be, and occasionally wake up with headaches too... but the specialist said to expect sleep patterns to get worse before they start to get better...

i really just don't like the feeling of drifting off to sleep and feeling like it's impossible to fight - whilst driving...

it reminds me of a time last year when i was waiting to catch a train to the city for alex's birthday... i was standing on the edge of the platform wondering what it would be like to jump in front of a moving train... how it would feel, the impact on the body, recovery (if possible).... i started to wonder whether those who had done just that were thinking along the same lines as me, not so much to suicide but just curiosity... cause that's all it really was.

the doctor said that those trying to suicide are more so thinking that doing such a rash thing would be a solution to their problems... i certainly wasn't thinking that at all, so i was ok about it all..

but backtracking to the driving and falling asleep thing - the similarity that i thought about, was thinking 'is this what happens to those who fall asleep at the wheel?'

do they feel the sensation of tiredness creeping up behind them and before they realise what's happening to their body, it's too late?

i know it's a bit morbid, but it really does make me think... and hopefully the more i think about it, the less likely i am to have a full on pass out...

one of the reasons i wish i could catch the train to work... no risk of causing accidents at the seat of a train whilst sleeping.....

*yawn* that reminds me - i'm tired, and it's late, and my laundry has just finished... i can goto bed now, hug the teddy bear and tell him i love him

another dollar, another day

same old routine, in my way

what's there to say about today?

dunno really

work was steady, not as quiet as recent weekends have been

got to catch the train to work and back, that was great, relaxing to not have to focus on the drive up the freeway which meant no stress of possibly falling asleep at the wheel... falling asleep on the train is much nicer - been easy for me to sleep on the train for as long as i can remember, but touch wood, i haven't missed my stop yet...

makes the day at work seem quicker too which was good

then got to see someone at the station on the way home who i thought was a hottie when he was at work... still do think that...

he's got his dream job and good on him - wonder what it must be like to work your dream job...

does it make everything fall into place? do you know that you'll be there until you retire? must be a fulfilling feeling...

that's something that i'd like..

i've always had this idea that when you find a good job, you're there until you retire, but i think those times have changed... i've lost my job a few times with business' going into administration/liquidation... call centres that shift you around as they see fit even if it's not what you originally signed up for... electronic repair shops that have owner's who employ their stupid and psychotic mothers.... data entry work that lasts as long as the work is there so you don't know how long you have the job for....

i guess i realise that job security is now (unfortunately) a thing of the past, and that's really sad. it makes it difficult to be able to plan for your own longer term future...

i suppose when you have a mortgage, that's the thing that you worry about the most.

i'm probably experiencing less medical dramas compared to others, but for someone living for their own self, i think i've been beaten with the medical hockey stick a fair bit... nose operations, facial operations, braces, depression, arthritis, anxiety, now moderate/severe sleep apnea... these things cost me too much money than i care to think about... but health comes first i guess...

i'm sure that one day, without realising, everything will fall into place for me...

until then i'll continue to work as hard as i can in the hope i can get myself in a better position mentally and financially...

time travel and other ponderous activities

ever wanted to go back in time? i have... still do...

with my interest in the history of railway transportation and architecture of older style buildings, it would be of great fascination to go back in time to see these things in their 'heyday' so to speak...

one of my favourite engineers is j.j.c. bradfield - the guy who managed the design and construction of sydney harbour bridge and also storey bridge in brisbane and the city circle railways of sydney and electrification of the sydney railways...

i would love to have been around at the time of all these grand projects coming to fruition and construction, understand the workings of such complex minds and watch the hard labour of man actually making these designs a reality. even to be around at the time when new cities were being born.

the brain really is an amazing tool.

even to be able to travel back in time to see things that are no longer - one of which i remember seeing a documentary about at the big imax theatre in sydney about the history of sydney - it spoke of a grand palace and gardens smack in the city area (i think around the eastern side of the city), that later burned down in a fire and parts of the palace gardens are still in existence today (i recall them speaking of a large gateway structure that is in the middle of a park - perhaps centennial park? now i'm just clutching at straws...)

at the other end of the scale, i think it explains why i desire to live forever, to be able to see and be amazed at what structures and feats of construction are scaled into the future.

i suppose it leads to the question of past lives - is this the only shot at a life we get, or have we descended from souls of the past? how do we find out? but what would it achieve? finding out that we each may have had a life in the past wouldn't instantly provide us with a recollection of memories of the times lived.

i've been flicking through many old photos i found on a flickr site of railway nostalgia in melbourne/victoria and seeing lots of old photos of melbourne city and it's surrounding suburbs... i think that's what gives me this endless thought process of "what was it like and what would living in that era be like?"

and what would it have been like to watch the stack getting constructed, amanda?!

oh yes, i should be over it by now :-) hahaha

the mind boggles at the thought of endless thoughts of previous thoughts and future thoughts and thoughts in general....

remembering the stack

given that the port kembla copper smelter has now been demolished, i might just like to express a bit of thoughts about it all...

i know some people i work with are amazed at my interest in what is (was) essentially just a big concrete stick (or a match stick as one colleague mentioned hehehe)

well, it was just one of those impressive sights.

a bit like my obsession with old train tunnels - it was something to be in awe of, you could stand at the base of the stack and look up and be utterly amazed at how small it made you feel by just the massiveness of it.

and having been born and raised in the town where it was located, it was one of those things that you knew about, just for the fact that it was there.

i guess that's my big disbelief about it now being gone - i never imagined in my wildest dreams that it would ever not be there anymore.

comparing it to something locally in the ballarat area - if you grew up with the memorial arch on sturt street, you wouldn't be that interested in it's everyday happenings, just cause it's there. but imagine for a moment if they found asbestos and other chemicals in the structure that they used back in the day to actually construct it. then they decide it's no longer safe for the community, and they demolish it - how would that make you feel to see it no longer there when you were driving towards alfredton?

i guess that's what the stack made me feel today - even watching it on a live online feed, it was just spine tingling for me, still in disbelief that what i was watching was actually real.

for something that stood so tall, one of the tallest structures for almost 100kms either side of it, to now be gone forever, and after all the history of it, the stories of those who worked to build it, even the sad stories of those who fell sick to it's deposits, it's just sad to know that it is no longer.

i guess i now have one of those stories to tell my sisters youngsters about the day a big 200 metre concrete stick known as the stack came down, signalling the end of an era in the city of wollongong.

farewell stack, it was nice knowing you, and will not be forgotten... thanks for making me feel very small, i really appreciated it. xo

the sights and sounds of the world...

summer, summer, go away, rain come back every single day!

i've been as giddy as a school girl this afternoon.

never mind the fact i nearly spun out of control on the wet freeway, or the fact i nearly missed my exit off the freeway because there was so much water that the steering wasn't working properly to steer in the direction i wanted (slightly scary lol)

seeing a decent downpour of rain.

watching the grounds change colour as they get wet.

seeing the ricochet of drops as they hit the concrete then explode into many more drops.

listening to the thunder chime in as the sight of lightning disappears.

the sound of the rain on my tin roof.

how the heavier the rain gets, makes it sound more like a stadium of applause at an opera or theatre show.

it's as if my house is making the sound of applause in appreciation of the gift from the skies of natural falling water.

my gardens will love it, as will i when the sun comes back to dry the grounds so i can once again play with the lawn mower.

all these things give me great pride and make me feel really good inside.

it's one of the many reasons i absolutely love winter.

feeling the chill in the mornings, watching fog and mist disappear during the course of the day, as it reveals any possibility of weather - sunny blue skies, blue sky with white fluffy clouds, dark nasty clouds preparing for another onset of torrential rains.

and me inside hiding out from the wet weather, watching with a big smile on my dial, thinking about stoking up the fireplace and lighting it up to add more sights, sounds and smells to the day.... the warming glow of fire, the sound of crackling dry timber as it explodes into sparkles of red like fireworks, and the smell of the smoke each time i open the door to add more fuel...

i love you winter.

i can't wait to see and feel your presence once again!

swingin' the mood...

(i know you'd be reading anyway Amanda, but this way i've got your attention for sure, just in case lol)

today at work i thought about attitudes and moods... how people treat others depending on the situation or who might have been present at the time...

long story short, double standards and special rules for special people are things that irritate me to no end...

as such, my mood is swung one way to the other, depending on the attitudes being thrown around at the time.

in recent times i have had close friends (who shall remain nameless) express feelings of stress, distress, anger - all those sorts of nasty feelings.

it gave me an opportunity to share some information that i have learned for myself in the last couple of years.

the main thing is (along with "go to bed when you are actually tired") thoughts are non-stop processes in your brain. you can't stop them, no matter how hard you try. the skill (as opposed to a trick, as it is a skill to learn) is being able to let them slide through your mind without actually hooking into it.

i read a book about 18 months ago that some good friends lent to me - the happiness trap, dr russ harris - it was a great starting point with learning how to let thoughts be, instead of hooking into them, or using valuable energy trying to avoid them or block them out.

from this and through a few psychological sessions, one of the handy tips i learned to unhook my mind from thoughts, was a little game with numbers or the alphabet... for example(s):

• count the number of trees in a field, the number of a particular style of registration plate etc - setting yourself a target depending on your situation (e.g. i tried counting the number of new style of victorian rego plates between ballarat and home aiming for a total of 10)
• name countries/capital cities with each letter of the alphabet
• whilst driving i try to find the letters of the alphabet in consecutive order during my trip to or from work, using rego plates, road signs etc - this was an amazing aid for me in letting go of other peoples driving and causing road rage within myself

as simple (or ridiculous) as these games might sound, it's quite interesting how quickly it helps with unhooking from whatever thought you might have been hooked into, and how often you can use the same game to continue unhooking from the thought

at the end of the day, the important thing to remember is that you cannot control anyone else's thoughts, feelings, actions etc but you can control how you react to them.

the overall quick run down of the book i mentioned above, is that most people are under the illusion that happiness is something to achieve, when in fact, it isn't achievable as a single thing. the idea is to live by your values and do things that satisfy and mean the most to you, and this will in turn give you satisfaction which gives you the feeling of happiness.

it is indeed the quality, not the quantity, with which we measure our lives.

so the next time you feel like your mood is about to do a 180° shift, try to deflect the thought of what might be about to bring you down, and start counting things, or try naming foods from A to Z - it's harder than you think, no matter how rehearsed your answers might be the more often you do it!

alternatively - start a blog! i'm really quite pleased with myself doing this everyday so far, and how it gives me great satisfaction when i post one.

just remember that you can't control thoughts but you can control how you react to them.

when it's time, it's time...

there is a question that always seems to pop up in my mind. it's something i'm sure most, if not all, people will get at various intervals of their lifetime:

when is it the right time to move on?

i've seemingly had plenty of experience with this question, for the few years of life i have led to date.

it comes up in all sorts of instances and occasions, be it making friends at school, relationships starting, relationships ending, places of employment, places to call home, and other places that you'd like to call home when the current residence feels more a "house" than a "home"

the thing i have learned from my own experiences, is that when the question is raised, it has to be followed through. there has never, not once, not at all, ever been a time when i have asked the question "have i had enough?" or "am i ready to take the plunge?", and not seen it through.

the failure to try and answer these questions, and not avoid them, has the worst possible punishment of all - regret. wishing that i'd taken the chance, or wishing i'd broken up with that (rather fat) partner 4 years earlier and not later.

i've become friends with someone in the last week who reminds me a bit of myself in trains of thought and feelings, as well as interests and preferences of a colder climate over the heatwaves of late. this person has once again ignited the flame of question under my feet "have i had enough of the status quo?".

the answer was an almost immediate "yes".

this post is something to help remind me as well as others who make the time to read this far, that life indeed is short.

and if ever the question beckons in the mind of mine and/or others "when is it the right time to move on?", the answer is, and will always be a resounding - NOW.

if you question what you are doing for even half a second - then you owe it to yourself to hunt for the answer, because if you were happy as you were, plodding along with things the same, you wouldn't have posed the question in your mind.

i have taken a step today to make attempts to move further forward with my life with the hope that i can once again reclaim the self sufficiency i desire and so badly miss in my life.

wish me luck, i can always use it!

sunday lazeabouts

so i chose to start going through birds of a feather, i quite enjoy that show, gives me a good laugh hearing all the sayings i don't really know and learning some new rhyming slang, cockney accents and the like...

house is back in order... vaccuummeeeddd (fondled dyson...), washing done, ironing done, dishwasher ran a cycle and dishes away... marinated some pork for dinner tonight...

weather is nice and cool today but sun still has a bit of kick in it if you stand under it long enough

black and tails were their usual chattery selves whilst i was dealing with washing on the line and harvesting their eggs... i love those girls, they give me the companionship that sometimes is lacking during home life... i can talk to them and they talk back - moreso black than tails... i think tails is still unsure what to make of me, apart from being "that human who calls out 'chook chook chook' in the mornings and throws seeds at me and occasionally tries to drown us both on the hot days with the hose" - well that's the look she gives me while i stand in her line of travel lol

i wonder whether different breeds of birds can communicate with each other or if it's like humans from different countries with language barriers...

i would expect not, otherwise i think my girls would've made an attempt to warn the 4 sparrows from entering the middle of a roll of chicken wire as they would inevitably get stuck... and subsequently die.... silly buggers...

not to mention the silly bugger sparrows who decided to nest in the flue of the wood heater, and make their way to the fire box and flap around in the ash until they too died.....

as much as i love birds, they have really given me the thought that some of the local ones don't like me lol given the starlings who constantly nested in my eaves, the little blackbird thing that i found dead on top of the worm farm, the sparrows in various locations, the semi-regular *bang* against the glass of a window or door of a silly things flying into its' own reflection (and no, my glass is not that clean lol).... i've had a few birds heave themselves at my windscreen whilst driving too...

maybe they just misunderstand me...

always been a bird man, so to speak, whenever someone asks me whether i like cats or dogs, i always reply with "feathers" or "birds" - much the same as the ridiculous debate of whether someone likes fords or holdens, i reply with "toyota" hehehe

this week will be interesting at work.. don't know why... things have been "interesting" for me for a little while at work, so this week will just add to the suspense of what might happen...

weekend wandering and wondering...

"hello young lovers... it's a beautiful tuesday evening and this, is the saturday show..."

so the clouds have built up in the skies, a short burst of rain earlier this afternoon but nothing since.

it's interesting living with a bit more land than a regular suburban block when it comes to rain.

having a water tank that has been in regular use for almost 18 months come to an end, along with not having had decent rainfalls since late last year makes me really think that i've forgotten what rain is like. the sound, the smell, how it feels to walk in it, what the aftermath is like - damp grounds, potential short term flooding in lower parts of the front yard, flowing stream down the channel alongside my street.

it's certainly trying to rain out there, it's amazing the way some plants changed how they looked after the 5 minute torrent hit them, like they have also forgotten the difference of what rain is, in comparison of me showering them with the hose. they reach up, begin to flower, almost become fuller in colour in the hope that their little horticultural show might entice the rain to feed them once more - like a teaser trailer for a movie - "bring me more rain and i'll put up more of a show for you afterwards"

i suppose it's all a part of the mindfulness of life that i have learned about in recent times. noticing the goings ons around me. noticing most, if not all, of my senses coming alive with the spectacle of life around me. i just wonder whether all this mindfulness should give me some motivation to do some housework... probably not.

and it's time to think about what tv show to start watching next out of my collection. there's nothing really new that i've purchased recently to watch so it's a bit of a rotation of the regulars at the moment... bit too soon for frasier again - that's more enjoyable in winter time, helps warm my soul without the use of a heater.

i should stop this as i'm now becoming mindful of my stomach, how it feels sore from hunger, how it's making my brain twitch at the thought of what food i can eat, the way the oven heating up smells of what last morsel i heated in there...

i'm a lazy git today. oh well.

laughter is a many splendid thing

is there anything more naturally fulfilling of relief and happiness?

letting out laughter can be just as healing and replenishing as what crying can do to release pain and suffering.

as i sit and watch some mrs bucket woman it reminds me of some good giggles i had at work today with a couple of workmates.

in a place where i might be feeling a bit on the outer, it certainly helps to have great fun with some lovely people.

i feel i was placed on this earth to both laugh for myself as well as create laughter for others to help them through the tough times.

especially for someone like me who has had a few operations in the facial region that caused me much pain yet caused much more pain when i attempted to just smile (let alone laugh!)

sometimes laughter can happen at the most inappropriate moments... i know i have automatically started to grin and smile at some of the worst news, in the past.... just an auto-reaction...

is it any wonder that 80% of my personal dvd collection is of comedy tv shows - short bursts of regular laughter is something i look forward to every night at home. it helps me relax and forget about things for 20 minutes at least - along with some good food.... or bad food... so long as food is there :)

if nothing else, when you're feeling down, or in pain, if the pain is not in the facial region at least, then give yourself the time and the chance to watch something that makes you laugh, read something that makes you laugh, do something silly that makes you laugh.

most importantly, laugh.

it really is the best medicine.

trying something different

seen, heard, researched (well not much research) and investigated what the blog thing is all about...

blog sounds such a foul word... like snot...

finding another outlet for my brain... something slightly more up to date than just writing in a journal... that, and the journals i have are too nice to write in just yet hehehe

so i'm just winging it for now.

how do you survive all this?

how do you get self sufficiency in a dosage that allows you to function healthily and in a financially viable way?

i know that schulz wrote in his comics that 'in the book of life, the answers are not in the back' but at least could someone provide a table of contents so i could research the details and come up with my own answers?

it's no use to ask how i got to this point. i know how i got here. i just would appreciate some direction and clarity on where to go and how to get there from here.

i work hard, i don't really play, that's an imbalance.

i enjoy working hard, but i really wonder where the reward is. the payoff. the incentive for continuously putting my all and everything into my daily duties.

do i uproot a bundle of my life and try something somewhere else to try and come back to further myself?

dunno, just dunno...

do you know?