nothing in particular...

8 day left...

today i realised my roster wasn't quite what i expected, so i'm not working on easter monday (bugger, no extra money)

so at this stage i'm thinking i might not even bother taking my credit card for backup as i won't have any funds available on it lol

i guess duty free will be out of the question - if i'm lucky i might try to save up for a cheap bottle of vodka but that's about it...

my frasier appointment was another short meeting, just a checkup to make sure things are going alright... check to ensure the lower dosage of meds is going ok

he asked if i was happy to stay on the same dosage and i said yeah cause i don't want to muck things up while i'm overseas.... had a giggle about that hehehe

but if it wasn't for that i'm thinking he might've been happy to drop them altogether which would be awesome...

but it's all ok i'm happy to continue on as is - gives me a bit of satisfaction in knowing that he's open to the likely possibility of me coming off meds altogether :-)

meanwhile my roaming sim card still aint working... i got an email overnight saying they'd send me a replacement and asked for my mailing address... i called them up just now - they are based over in the UK (irish accent on this bloke.... yum....) and he says to me "oh it will arrive definitely before you head overseas - either friday or monday"

i stopped short of slapping my forehead as it would've caused dramatic injury or a coma from the hard impact.....

"friday and monday are public holidays because of the easter weekend (dickhead)"

so he says "oh well in that case, you should get it by thursday, if not then tuesday at the latest"

uh huh we'll see lol

i'll just ring em back on tuesday and abuse em if it's not here by then lol

in the interim i'll just keep planning my big cleaning session for monday instead of tuesday, and tidy everything up that day, then all that should leave is spraying the chemicals around the house to kill all the bugs and spiders while i'm away....

thanks for the compliment, but it's a bit hard to swallow...

i was talking with my manager in the lunch room this morning about the weekend...

talked about the bears lunch thingo yesterday afternoon....

he wanted to know if everyone had a beard and all looked the same which was a good giggle...

i told him how i claimed the seat at the end of the table next to andrew cause it was near the exit and next to someone i knew... he asked me if i went and "put myself out there" with the other blokes... i said no that i couldn't do anything like that, just too scary...

then i told him about the "who's this delicious man?" comment... he asked how i take that sort of comment...

maybe it's just me, i dunno, but i really find it difficult to hear comments like that aimed at me... i don't know whether it is corny or tacky, or if it's just inappropriate or just makes me feel uncomfortable... all i know is, when i hear comments like that directed at me, i don't feel the best...

i've always been pretty bad at accepting 'compliments'...

i can appreciate the people saying nice things to me, but i will never understand what it is they are seeing, but i've always said that it's not for me to see and/or/nor understand it...

when i look at myself, i just see a skinny hairy guy with a beard who wants to look like a bear, but doesn't, and probably won't cause i'm not sustaining a lifestyle to grow into one (into the ideal of what a bear is/means to me - big, solid, hairy everywhere, decent bushy beard, very strong etc etc)

i've learned that you cannot control your thoughts, they are going to come and go as they see fit, you need to learn to just accept them for what they are - just thoughts..... so in that sense, i've learned to accept that when i look at myself, that's all i'm going to think, so it's neither here nor there...

i had this whole big spiel worked out in my head about typing out this blog but it's going a bit askew i think...

i guess the main point is... thanks for your kind words, i appreciate it, i don't understand it, and i probably won't ever understand it, but it's not my problem all the same..... and sometimes being very very direct in your compliments is possibly one of the quickest ways to see me run a world record 100 metres sprint in the opposing direction of yourself.....

and that's just the way it is with me...

oh no wait, i've remembered part of what i was gonna type...

i sometimes wonder whether the attraction people have towards me is whether they are just wanting to find out who i actually am, like i'm mysterious to them cause i don't talk much at all in public.... similarly i think that maybe i'm just another 'conquest' because i may seem out of reach to some... and that once the conquest is achieved, the mystery disappears and they soon realise there really is nothing more to me...

let's be honest, we've probably all been there at least once in our lives... get the un-gettable and then get over it a few minutes later and throw them aside to move on to the next exciting thing or person...

that's one of the reasons i wanted to move up to ballan, to be away from the gayness of some city things... it's just too much for me to deal with, and i tend to think that most city queens will just baulk at the thought of where i live - i still remember the dinner i was at for my Sir's birthday some years ago when i decided i was going to build a house (in bacchus marsh at that point), and he wanted me to tell his friends about it cause he was excited for me - and to see some of those city queens look at me weird and say things like "bacchus marsh? what zone is that?" with puzzled looks on their faces..... they were the icing on the cake for me to move out here, just to not have to deal with all that very much...

i'm rambling now, but it is my blog so i can keep crappering on if i want to lol

but i'm hungry now...

tales of the socially inept....

boy am i glad to be home again.....

the afternoon was a bit difficult in other ways, ways i wasn't quite expecting...

picked up ballarat paul from work... had some lovely compliments from nicole about my attire which was nice of her - she's a stunner so it's a bit of an ego boost for me (there ya go nicole hehehe)

so off we trodded to the pub where the bears were finishing up their lunching antics

mark gave me a couple of big squeezy hugs which was very nice of him - he's good at those - so good that in fact he's cracked a few ribs in his time.....

there was a vacant seat next to andrew at the end of the table closest to the exit, so i figured that was a perfect spot for me to sit - he's was sitting next to ian and i knew him too, so it was a bit of a comfort to sit near a couple of friends...

still found it a bit awkward though, i still struggle to make eye contact for longer than 0.0005 seconds with another person - i just can't do it...

as they started to say their goodbyes, one guy walked up and said "who's this delicious man?" at me... so that again made things a bit awkward for me... guess it's the incredibly shy part of me that reigns supreme in that situation...

once the last of the bears left for home, it was just me, paul and a couple who were down from maryborough... they had another couple of drinks whilst chatting about various things - stuff in america, canada, where paul grew up, where these guys had travelled to, classical music, gardening etc

it was quite interesting to listen to it... i really had not much to say about anything - by this stage i think i was just starting to shut down and not be able to cope with it... paul talked about kicking on to another wine bar in town and i said i might go for a drink, but i later said i needed to get home to attend to a few more things so i'd be able to drop them there and that was about it...

after this point, one of the couple started to just stare at me for the remainder of the conversation..... if it wasn't bad enough that i normally had issues making eye contact with someone, it certainly made it intensely difficult having someone staring at me for a good 10 minutes or so...

as we stood up to head off, i let the others walk ahead, but this guy sorta hung back a bit while i was putting on my jacket and asked if everything was ok with me? (whilst looking directly into my eyes.....)

i just said that i was fine and everything was ok... i thought about talking about how i find it difficult to deal with people in social situations, but thought against it when i realised i had boxes in my back seat so thought that was a good opportunity to dart out and clear a space for them to sit in the back seat lol

after i dropped them off, i drove away to head home - and that's when i realised i had been holding a tight gut from the tension i was feeling - almost like i'd been holding my breath for about an hour..... i let it go and started to breathe normally once again and told myself it was ok cause it was all over and i was safe alone in my truck again lol

i'm trying hard not to think about the impending trip to portugal, but if i'm real about it - i am going to struggle with the amount of people i'm going to be dealing with in a rather short time...

and my roaming global sim card still isn't working yet, so i'm going to have to chase it up this week cause i need to be able to access facebook and blogging while i'm away as my escape mechanism from the real world around me lol

red curry was nice but i should've put a chilli in it... there wasn't much kick at all - though the drake kaffir lime leaves were beautiful in it :-)

now i might have a cup of tea and some cookies to finish off the weekend... don't think much of the washing will be dry yet so i'll deal with it tomorrow after work.....

i still love music

"scraped the paper off the wall, i put down carpet in the hall"

"i don't dream, cause i don't sleep, moon is hanging, like your hat"

"took your paintings off the wall, that one of me that you call doll"

"i don't wanna think of you no more, except for in between the sun and moon"

"packed up and moved out after all, bull dozed the house and watched it fall, that blessed sight i still recall"

"it don't hurt like it did, it hurts worse, who do i kid?"

{insert fucking awesome guitar solo to finish}

i love this song so much

i can relate to it so much having experienced something similar about 7 years ago...

sometimes when you try to get on with your life, even trying to clean the slate and start again can't take away what it was before...

this is one of those songs that will always represent that time in my life...

it certainly explains why the cd was in one of the difficult to find places....

whilst it can bring back all the history of trouble and pain, i can look at it from a different point of view.

i can listen to the song in a more objective way and that's nice - it gives me power in knowing that i went through all that and i've grown so much since then...

so the song changes from being a representation of what i experienced and went through, to something that makes me stand tall and stand up to anyone and anything that tries to get in my way and obscure my judgements and throw brick walls in my way...

at the end of the day, bricks are just cladding, the structure of a house is all in the stud work...

i am stud framing material - so bricks are just the cladding in front of my face...

the bricks can fall but my framing will always be there holding up the roof over my life

so this is another example of what music does for me

it makes me feel, and feel alive

in case you didn't realise, i have a new phone :-)

got my new phone today yay!!!!

and i've already sold the old phone to that mazuma mobile place - 60 bucks will come in handy :-)

so the new one is charging up and i'm very excited to start playing with it and seeing what the new features are etc etc and hopefully no longer have to reformat the damn thing every couple of months :-)

which means now i can think about finalising the travel insurance as the one i think i'll purchase let's me provide a serial number for the new phone in case something happens to it while i'm overseas.....

so i am blogging for a moment to pass the time while the new one charges up, then i'll make some dinner to pass more time, otherwise if i don't have dinner now, i'll probably skip it altogether in excitement hahaha :-)

my left hand is not feeling so good today after yesterday's wood chopping antics.... the muscles in my palm are quite sore, so i think i may have strained them when pushing and pulling on the fence wires etc...

so i bailed on the catch up i was meant to have tonight in the city, i wouldn't have been much fun anyway with a knackered hand and my mind on a new piece of technology at home hehehe

so the weekend has started and i'm looking forward to it.....

got a few chores to do around the house, i'll clean the oven out and the rangehood most likely as well i think...

then the bear's lunch thingo is actually sunday, not tomorrow.... so i'll suck it up and tag along with ballarat paul... he said to me this afternoon he would score a date for me LOL i said "yeah bullshit!"

i'll let the girls have a bit of a roam around the yard tomorrow while i'm pottering around... hopefully there's a new grubbies they can find and munch on after all this rain..... they'll love that :-)

i have a new phone.... so i might go now and make dinner so it's closer to play time LOL

allan of the jungle - watch out for that tree.....

so i've got this beautiful big tree in my front yard... looks eerily creepy at dusk/evening/night time... i love it!

i guess yesterday or during the night last night, a branch comes down after all the wet weather we've had this week

and you KNOW i LOVE the rain, it's been so good seeing the water everywhere for a few days in a row - and still more to come :-)

so this afternoon i get home from work ready to start cutting it up, prepared to do it manually with a hand saw....

what's this? no handsaw?

checked in every possible location, thrice....

i guess a hack saw will have to suffice for now....

and then neighbour bear comes over to see what's going on and was a bit surprised to see the branch that came down, and leaning incredibly heavily on the wire fence (with about 4 lines of barbed wire in it, mind you)

he suggests one of the neighbours in the court, for me to go and ask to have a lend of their chainsaw and someone to use it for me.... or a circular saw might help...

so i get my circular saw and an extension lead.... that helped to clear all the smaller branches (after taking out about 80% of the smaller ones via hack saw anyway lol)

and then the tough task of dealing with the massive main trunk of the branch (would've easily been about 300mm at it's thickest, if not more)

so i then pull out an axe and a log splitter.... gave the middle bit (that was sticking forwards into my yard - bit of an angled/banana shaped branch) a bit of attention...

too bad i didn't have a shitty day at work otherwise i might've been able to get through it like that as stress relief!!! hahaha

so i keep hacking away with the axe and the log splitter, make a decent dent about a third of the way into the guts of it..... then i try an alternative method...

instead of trying to hack the whole thing into pieces (as i really would've needed a chainsaw), i decide to take away the rest of the small bits on my side of the fence...

then - i navigate, incredibly slowly and carefully through the barbed wires (summer thin work pants with crotch vents did not make this an easy or comfortable task....) to the other side....

then with hack saw once again in hand, i cut away at the smaller branches on the trees on the neighbour's side of the fence, that were holding up the main branch from the fallen bit of my tree.....

eventually it started to fall further to the ground....

after a couple more careful navigations through the barbed wires (*gasp* take it slow! don't rip your balls off!) i manage to heave the branch onto the neighbour's side of the fence so it was no longer placing any pressure on the fence wires....

so that's how it'll stay for quite some time (i imagine), until such a time as i am able to chop up the rest of it and use it for the fire place next year in winter :-)

moral of the story - as much as a tree can be attractive, when looking at blocks of land to purchase, just be prepared for the awkward removal of fallen branches in barbed wires!!!

phew....

showered and tidy and now waiting for a mate to come and take me out for a steakhouse dinner, his shout thankfully :-) i think i've worked up an appetite after an hour hacking at trees lol

kick in the guts lol

at this stage, i'm not going to be driving trains... i'll get an email next week if i've been dropped altogether, otherwise i will be called up later in the year to attend future assessment centre things...

the dentist appointment was nice, got a great review from the general dentist, only a bit of a clean up around the wire retainer behind my bottom teeth, apart from that he was quite pleased, everything clean and healthy...

then the specialist dentist came in to discuss the splint situation... about 1400 bucks... i really have no choice cause in the long run it's going to be cheaper to get the splint now rather than pay 100 bucks a month for nasal patches... it covers the splint and an unlimited amount of visits to the dentist when it's solely in relation to the splint... so it's yet another investment in my body...

i guess if i do get that 720 bucks from alutech, that can pay half of it... and hopefully health insurance will help me out a bit too.... but for now i think i'm going to have to beg mum and dad (yet again) to get them to lend me money to pay for it... *sigh*

so i'm feeling like a victim again tonight....

the general dentist wanted to know what my secret was to having such great teeth - i just said it must be because the universe had other ailments to give me so it felt i didn't need to have any cavities, fillings etc etc - he had a good laugh at that......

so i feel a bit back to square one with things....

bills to pay and a bit of inability to pay them without assistance, but it may not be all that bad, i'll just have to continue pushing through the pain and praying to whoever will listen to me up there, that there is some bigger grand plan that has a big reward at the end of all the hard work i do...

just hoping it gets here sooner rather than later lol

2 weeks to flying on a big plane...

6 months until my fixed rate ends on the mortgage

new mobile phone arriving in the next week (hopefully)

"keep the focus on the rising sun, what a golden day"