moving on from the story of seeing you next tuesday's

what lovely storms we've had here today!

*crash* *bang* *crack* *boom* !!!!! who knew daylight could get even brighter with the addition of lightning?!

jake's car still wouldn't start this morning, had an racv dude come take a look and it seems his starter motor is stuffed! so he's spending his holiday here instead of with a mate over in warburton!

so a blackout from the lightning storm certainly makes it interesting lol

his car will be collected first thing monday morning for repairs... fingers crossed not too expensive!

so i guess i sorta have a housemate again for the weekend lol

went to sharon's shop... put $5 deposit on a beautiful mirror.... lovely big timber frame surround.... small bevelled edges on the glass... she's a good saleswoman lol

andrew came up to visit for the afternoon, and watch the storm roll in with us... was great to catch up, find out what each other has been up to... i'm really happy for him that he's taken control of his life and knows what direction he wants to take himself to. i'm very proud. :-) and he's looking really well too... so that's good too!

dropped him at deryck's place after 7pm... deryck was out the front putting rubbish in the bin... sorta gave me a half filthy look but avoided looking at me... considering everything that's happened, it really didn't twang anything in my mind at all... knowing that he doesn't hang out with bailey anymore either is also something that pleases me...

i think it makes me feel like i'm back in a position where i was before i met bailey initially, thinking at the time that i was on my way to recovery - which i now am, with reduction in medication etc... and not giving a toss much about other people that don't matter to me...

i'll always remember the hurt that those two caused me, and how low i got and how much trouble i felt i was in mentally, but i don't react to it like i used to... and considering how much less medication i take these days compared to back then, i'm very proud to be feeling the way i am today.

free of the pain. the mental pain they caused me... the mental pain i caused for myself... the physical pain i caused for myself at times... the anger and frustration i felt towards them.... how much pain i wanted to inflict on them...

i guess it means i'm at peace with that part of my life and the size of the book of that story no longer occupies as much space on the bookshelf in my mind

once again i thank my brain for the "see you next tuesday's story", i close the book, place it back on the shelf, and move on from it (for hopefully one of, if not the, last times)

and smile - it's a beautiful cold night and wintery day tomorrow!! :-)

food from my heart xxx

money is an annoyance for me...

gee haven't i crappered on enough about it?!

(put it on a leaf, send it down the stream)

(that's the money story, thanks brain, shut the book, put it back in the shelf)

people at work quite enjoyed the butter biscuits i made on wednesday - i guess they were alright then even though i thought they could have been done better...

but much like the saying that you are your worst critic - i am very much that in relation to my cooking...

starting to think of my repertoire of cookery, and i think there's a fair bit of things i can make... it really doesn't matter where the recipe comes from, if you're the one making it, then that's all that matters...

one of the nicest comments i heard about the biscuits today was from tim in the lunch room, he said that in cooking he can usually taste the love that goes into some foods - he could taste the love in my biscuits...

i guess that's one of the things i'm glad i inherited from mum - my love for cooking and food in general... i have often in the past given food as presents for people's birthdays or at christmas time, because it really is something i believe is special and from my heart...

i gave my neighbour a whole lasagne for her birthday once...

i gave a batch of portuguese tarts to my best friend's sister and her family as a christmas present (all approx 60 of them)

i made a big fried rice as a gift for the family who invited me to visit on christmas day last year...

i have made banana cake in the past, cut it into quarters, and given to my good friends when catching up at a pub a couple years ago, just for the fact that i wanted to make cake for them

i guess growing up in a european household, it means that i am of a firm believer that the kitchen really is the heart of the home... it's one of the reasons i love my home is because the kitchen is the centre of the home, it's close to my bedroom, and i can cook directly in front of guests in the dining room or lounge room with the open plan...

so if ever someone comes over for dinner and i cook for them, it's really an opportunity to show how much i appreciate them by way of feeding them :-)

i love food just as much as i love giving food to others - just as much as i love giving gifts to friends and family...

one month on...

so it's been a month since i started this blog...

well, it was started on 13th february - it's not my fault february is a short month lol

what have i learned so far?

• i'm loving everyday's entry to see what my mind comes out with
• i'm loving the reactions and responses i'm receiving by sharing it with anyone who's bothered to read it
• i have a lot on my mind
• i quite enjoy expressing my thoughts in written form - i think that's related to my ability to converse with people a lot more online than in person - 14 years of internet chatting has been the training for that lol
• it's been a great outlet for any frustrations i may have had, or still may have, which in turn assists me with better night's of sleep
• i'm giving others a chance/opportunity to learn about me and how my train of thoughts operate
• it's given me something to look forward to every day - and still does
• and most of all - it's giving me the ability to enjoy my life a whole lot more in a completely different way

being able to put out these daily blogs is really a therapy in itself to be able to sort out the (occasional or frequent) mess in my head...

it helps me to address things on my mind and evaluate how to proceed with some of the things i talk about, or how to avoid things i talk about, or just deal with them in general for day to day exercises.

so where to from here?

dunno, just take it one day at a time really...

just when i think to myself "i have no idea what to write about" - that is always my starting point... and it's on those days when the magic happens and i have plenty to write about without having realised it to begin with!

and importantly for me, it's become my nap replacement, so instead of coming home from work and going to sleep, i am instead tapping my fingers on the keyboard, which in a way gives me the downtime i need from my day...

and the feedback i get from others gives me even more motivation to continue with my daily rants, cause i get some good responses, and that sort of contact is something i really enjoy reading afterwards :-)

so thank you for taking the time to read my blogs - yes you!

you've been a part of helping me make a better life for myself :-)

another good day.... goodie goodie yum yum!

wow what a day so far!

i stayed up until about 11.30 last night watching tv... then went to bed

i woke up around 6.15am for a loo stop and took my nose patches off thinking i wasn't going to be in bed for much longer.... i went back to bed and by the time i woke up and looked at the clock again it was 10.45am!!! wow i haven't slept that long in ages!

i leaped out of bed, had a literal 5 minute shower and started on my day...

went to the chemist to get my new reduced script of anti crazy drugs.... visited renae at sharon's shop just so she could count at least one customer for the day hehehe..... then walked down from there to the medical centre to pay for the patches i collected last night... then walked back over to the plumber to talk about the issue with the pump on the water tank (which i think i have isolated to the ensuite toilet again - they're coming next friday to try and fix the toilet), went to the supermarket and got some milk and fruit (yay i can have nutriblasts in the mornings again!)... went back to the chemist to collect my script then came home...

i then decided to make contact with the passport office to find out where my passport was... they gave me the tracking ID that australia post had allocated for the delivery... sure enough, the passport has been awaiting collection since last week! the damn mail deliverers once again mixed up the addresses with my mail.... went straight back to town to collect it....

stopped off at the address that gets my mail (i am assuming) but no one was there... will try again another time...

i've organised a replacement posting of this month's train pornos so hopefully they will come this week or early next week...

left a message with someone at the local council to discuss changing out street name but haven't received a call back as yet....

now i'm just about to pull out my first batch of butter biscuits - first batch of any sort of biscuits i've made in at least a decade..... fingers crossed they come out nice - it smells good and the batter tasted yum lol

so all in all, it's been yet another good day, and it's not yet 5pm...

three good days in a row of note is pretty good i think!

oh and i did the aptitude test for the trainee train driver job, got a generated email response 10 mins later with a report on my test - it's pretty nifty how it sums everything up, i think from what i can tell i should be good to proceed to the next stage :-)

just feels like i'm kicking a bundle of goals and i'm loving it!

good to feel this good :-)

yay!!!!! :-)

today's been a great day!

the work day went relatively well... not much to report, back to having pretty much nil customers again lol

after work was good fun

i went to see my psychiatrist... talked about how i've been going since my reduction of medication from 150mg to 100mg.... how i've started this blog and it's really enjoyable, and getting great comments back from others about my thoughts and feelings... talked about not really enjoying my job and looking for something else as i need more money... and at the end of it all, he asked how i felt i was coping with it..

i said "it's like i'm at a point where i appear to not really care about anything, not that i don't care, i do... it's just that with all the problems going on around me, work, finances, medical things etc, i really don't rate them that highly on the stress meter... i'm just dealing with it as it comes along and seeing where it's all taking me"

then he asked me if i was happy to stay at 100mg or if i'd like to go down to 50mg!

woo hoo! i'm going to get my new script filled tomorrow :-)

he wants me to come back in a week before i head to portugal to see how i'm travelling on the new dosage just to be sure i'll be fine for the trip overseas..... talked about trying to keep taking my tablets at the same interval (i.e. roughly every 24 hours, so it might switch over from being a dinner time tablet, to a day time tablet whilst over there)

then had a lovely dinner with paul at the souva bar - we ate on the street under cover, watched and listened to the rain - it was such a lovely sight and sound...

so the weather finally changed from muggy sticky tropical humidity to a lovely cool calm aired evening... i have a few windows open in the house to air it out a bit so it's fresh for when i head to bed later on tonight

then i stopped in to see my sleep doctor on the way home... he seems to have a different photo in his frame opposite his desk each time i have been there... this time it was a face shot of him with his beret/old man's cap, bit of a goatee and suckin on a large pipe..... WOOF! i was half tempted to jump over and take a photo of it to keep for myself for special occasions.... LOL he's got a lovely voice, and yeah it reminds me of someone i used to love, but i don't care, as per above, that thought doesn't rate high on my stress meter anymore :-) but because he's a bit cute, and the voice, and the photo of him... makes me a bit more shy than normal - i couldn't look him in the eyes when he was talking about the printouts he'd just given me for my own records, or if i chose to see a dental specialist in ballarat to talk about getting (another!) splint to assist with my breathing at night during sleep.....

*deep breath* where was i?!

oh yeah... so i got another month worth of nasal patches of what i'm currently on, and then another month supply of patches the next level down (which targets more snoring than my apnea problem, and is about a third of the cost of the other patches) so i can try them both out and compare to see how i go...

should give me enough to get through portugal and back again...

then came home and called mum to wish her happy birthday and talk about my day - she's pleased to hear about my meds going down in dosage... she's also pleased to hear of my target that may actually happen - to get off the meds altogether by the end of the year :-)

now i can just relax on the couch, watch some winnylosers on tv and head to bed for a good night sleep (fingers crossed!)

have a nice day off tomorrow at home, interspersed with a trip to the medical centre to pay for the nasal patches that i got tonight, and perhaps a trip to the plumber to find out exactly what i need to do to check for grit or dirt in the pump of the water tank to stop it kicking in and re-pressurising every 5-10 minutes... there's heaps of water in the tank and i want to use it without having to go outside and turn the pump on and off to avoid the intermittent problem!

fingers crossed my passport comes tomorrow and my train pornos too... that would be nice and it's almost the middle of march! otherwise i might buzz them and ask if there's been a delay and get another copy posted out...

and andrew is coming to visit on saturday :-) be great to see him, haven't seen him since our drive to nsw back in january... i'm hoping the tomato plants put on a good show of some RED tomatoes - it's autumn and it's well overdue for some ripe tomatoes!

i'm blabbering... and the rain is starting again.... and i have tv to watch... and i think i might have a chai latte thingo out of the coffee machiney thingymabobbywhatsidoobey......

righto then!

today was a good day :-)

i keep on thinking today is sunday... i guess cause today was a public holiday and back to normal trading tomorrow, it sorta makes it feel like a sunday in that way...

work started off quiet... dead, actually... i helped a couple walking around the store this morning and in my circle around the store, i crossed their path about 4 times..... and then out of nowhere.... in a space of 60 seconds, 4 cars rolled into the trade area, and off we went...

it was madness, cars everywhere, a queue to exit the trade area (no thanks to the dickhead who was parking in the middle of the road and never in an actual parking space lol)...... we were flat out for a few hours then it finally started to taper down after about 1.30-2pm... so the afternoon was reasonable from then on...

it was good to be productive though, it helps to pass things along a bit better...

then i had a visitor stop by on their way back to melbourne from daylesford - it was really good to just catch up... wasn't sure if sex was expected, and i am still recovering from the tummy bug, so i messaged back beforehand making sure it was clear that none was on offer...

had a wonderful evening, talking, chatting, conversing..... talking about my situation with work and finances etc, and he mentioning his new job that he's literally just started this week...

then he asked what i was doing for dinner, and i said i was having some leftovers - he asked about having dinner together somewhere, and i just said "yeah that's fine as long as you're paying!" hehehe

found out that the shop next door to the takeaway shop (which has been empty as long as i've lived here), finally opened this week as a proper fully fledged pizza and pasta shop! perfect opportunity to taste their wares when someone else was paying hehehehe

tried a cream penne pasta with chicken and mushroom - wow the ratio of chicken and mushrooms versus the pasta was by far to the side of chicken and mushroom (very impressed) - i said if they keep that up, they'd either reduce the amount of chicken they put in it, or increase the price of the dish, or both lol

their timings are still being ironed out so the pasta came first before the pizza even hit the oven... so we snacked on the pasta, then just as we finished it, the pizza was ready, so brought it home... greek lamb pizza - was seeing if it was anything like the old lamb pizza at big nick's in wyndham vale... it wasn't the same, but it was still very tasty... i'm looking forward to trying their hotter ones next time, meat lovers, mexicana etc

then i took him out the backyard to show what awesome colours in the silence of the evening would appear in the sky at sunset....

wow, the pinks, oranges, cut through the centre with a long strip cloud of dark purple, mixed in with a few white swirls like a meringue...

i really love it here, it's exactly where i want to be

so overall it's been a good day i reckon :-)

be good to see my psychiatrist tomorrow after work - he's a quietly spoken indian dude, and when he talks, i get the warm and fuzzies about it, he's just a really kind lovely man - it helps to have that persona in the position he's in i think.

and i have my review later in the evening with the cute sleep specialist.... see how things go with that appointment too.....

nice one :-)

summer's back again... and should i sell myself indirectly?

hopefully it doesn't stick around for long...

poor chookies look a bit frazzled, they're just as mucked up by the hot weather as i am...

i'll go out after dinner and water the gardens and restock their water container and perhaps give them a light shower to cool down...

so (touch wood) my tummy has been pretty good today... fingers crossed it continues on the improve in the coming days!

meanwhile, woke up during the night last night with an incredible sharp pain in my back - i think i might've accidentally arched my back and stretched the muscles and got a cramp or something like that... not very nice, but managed to get back to sleep again...

so it's a couple of days until my review with the physio/sleep specialist to see how i'm going with my patches... i think i'm doing alright - they say that if you have dreams, then you're in the right amount of depth in your sleep... in that case i'm having perfect night's sleep LOL many weird and crazy dreams... like getting my knob pierced the other night... and surprisingly it didn't hurt as much as i had expected - but what can i say, it was a dream :-)

so this missing malaysian airlines plane that's gone missing is a bit of a worry... especially with my up coming trip overseas next month... i'm sure everything will be ok though... it's really scary but only deal with it if it actually happens.... (touches wood again... twice...)

and as it's a hot day, it's perfect weather to have the oven on 250° to roast the last part of the piece of pork i'm making for dinner.... well not really but it's defrosted and it's the only way i know how to cook it properly through the meat...

my credit card is officially maxxed out... i need to think of a way to get it back down again...

getting a couple of friend requests on xtube... and wondered whether doing a couple of videos would help - an indirect prostitution of myself to make some extra money.... i still dunno what to do lol would people really pay for that sort of silliness... and how much... i certainly don't pay for it, out of principle and sheer element of lack of money lol

just keep taking it a day at a time...

and i have to flex my aptitudes this week once again...